penghujung 2012 dan permulaan 2013

assalamualaikum.

pos kali ni aku terasa nak menulis dalam bahasa kebangsaanku walaupun mungkin kalau cikgu BM aku baca muka dia aku berkerut seribu dan mengeluh kekecewaan. maaf cikgu, dah setahun tak belajar BM, kekok sikit bila nak menulis. hehe, halalkan laa ye penulisan 'rojak dari pasar malam' saya ni.

*hembus nafas

wow. cepat betul masa berlalu. pejam celik pejam celik pejam celik tidur kejap pejam celik lagi dah habis 2012, menyusul pula 2013. jujur aku cakap, aku tak sangka dapat hidup selama ni. alhamdulillah aku bersyukur kerana diberi peluang lagi untuk memperbaiki diri dan meningkatkan ibadah.

(ya Allah tatabahasa aku!)

kalau toleh balik, aku rasa tak perlu nak komen lebih-lebih tentang masa yang aku 'manfaatkan' pada 2012. memang kalau nak cerita, malu aku. terang lagi bersuluh siap 'spotlight' (maaf cikgu hikmah, saya tahu peribahasa sebenar, ini sekadar jenaka hingusan saya je) aku banyak menghabiskan masa menangis sebab takutkan masa hadapan. sampai mak aku pun dah tak tahu nak buat apa. kelakar, memang kelakar. dahsyat jugak aku ni. mesin air mata.

bila aku korek balik pos awal tahun 2012 aku, aku cadang nak buat azam tahun baru selepas dapat keputusan SPM. aku rasa aku tak buat pun. haih.

jadi tahun ni, aku tekad nak buat dan malaksanakan azam aku (ini pun dah dikira azam jugak ni). tanpa membuang masa, inilah dia azam tahun baru (2013) aku. jangan gelak. senyum boleh, tapi tak boleh nampak gigi.

aku nak:-

1. kurangkan berat badan.
2. minum air 3L sehari.
3. solat awal.
4. khatam sekurang-kurangnya sekali pada bulan ramadhan.
5. solat dhuha + hajat setiap hari.
6. lupakan kisah silam yang penuh kegelapan. cewah ceh ceh ceh cikaboom cikaboom. tapi serius, aku nak jadi lebih baik. jauh lebih baik dari semalam dan tahun-tahun sebelumnya.
7. belajar masak.
8. belajar menjahit.
9. baca sekurang-kurangnya 20 buah buku (tak termasuk buku universiti).
10. eratkan silaturrahim dengan rakan-rakan (rajin balas mesej orang).
11. jangan gagal dalam mana-mana subjek.
12. kurangkan berat badan.

ye aku sedar kurangkan berat badan tu dua kali, tapi takpa, baru semangat sikit.

secara personalnya, aku rasa, ada azam ni bagus. sebagai peringatan kepada kita untuk maju kehadapan.
majulah azam untuk negara (aku dapat rasa kelahnatan cikgu hikmah terhadap aku).

sampai sini sahaja pos kali ini. terima kasih kepada rakan-rakan yang setia dengan perangai aku yang kurang stabil ni. semoga bertemu lagi dikemudian hari. in shaa Allah.

assalamualaikum.

is there nothing that you're proud of?

you can stand in front of a mirror for hours. admiring 'a thing of beauty' - your lover might call you - which is non-other than yourself.
you're insecure because you're not sure how to take that somewhat catchy calling as a compliment or an insult.
you're a woman for pete's sake.
you'd tell yourself.
you're not an antique clock hangs exquisitely in a museum.
you'd add. it's funny how you relate the phrase 'a thing of beauty' with an antique clock in a museum. surely you have higher standards than that.
"ugh." you grunt. you huff and puff your bangs. i admit, you always have a lovely hair. it's not boring straight or awkwardly curled up too much. it's just right. your hair; the colour of cinnamon sugar - which is natural by the way - shines when it is illuminated. your skin, oh god, your beautiful delicate peach skin. *chuckle. peach, do people still call you peachy? you're not too pale or too tan. you're the colour of both sufficient sun and shades. your eyes have always had they're distinct glow. they'll glow and darken parallel to your emotions. and they change too often to keep tract. sometimes, you're too hard to figure out. your eyelashes have always been the highlights of your face. they're thick and dark even without the help of mascara. your face looks as if it was carved by the hands of God Himself. so carefully angled, perked and shaped. a little bit of freckles are scattered on it to give you that innocent look that suits you very well. you're stunning.

im still not sure what your native roots are. im sure you're not a pure caucasian. but i'll never figure it out because im a terrible guesser. i guess it's one of your bucket full of secret isn't it?
i always wonder why you sigh and mumble whenever you survey your reflection.
you'd pull your hair up when you're wearing it down. you'd pinch your cheeks and wiggle them. you'd try different smiles and pouts.
it's like you're still figuring out how to be, well, you.

it pains me to see you're throwing yourself like this. you hardly eat. but whenever you do, you'd put your finger down your throat and hunch over the toilet bowl. your gorgeous eyelashes are always wet with tears caused by the excruciating pain you put yourself into.
it hurts me to know that you find comfort in the fact that your skin is pressed against your bones without the presence of meat let alone fat. you've become so thin that im afraid people will crush and break you into pieces whenever they try to touch you.
above all, it saddens me to see you hold a sharp object against your wrist and cut yourself until you bleed and let the crimson liquid flows slowly down your forearm. you'd cry, but you wont stop. you'd feel the pain and you'd chant your magic words, "make me feel beautiful, make me feel beautiful." everynight. then, you'd fall asleep on the floor curl up into a ball as if protecting yourself from the boogeyman. the next morning you'd wake up and put on your make up to conceal your blacked eyes and your damaged wrist.

sometimes, i wish i could swoon down and take you by the arm. hold you tight. whisper to you that you are beautiful.
sometimes, i wish i could always stay by your side, help you heal from whatever made you like this.
sometimes, i wish i could make you tell me your secrets so that you dont have to lift the burden yourself.

but i cant. because im just your little stuffed bear. sitting on the upper shelf just being able to watch. neither can i move nor talk. i feel hopeless.

why cant you see yourself the way i do?
tell me my master, is there nothing that you're proud of?

ready? ok, fall.

is it the hair?

nah, it's the smile.

yeah, you're right. it has always been the smile.

you should stop starring at him, people will notice.

no they won't.

- the cafeteria is busy as always. no one will notice im staring at him.

maybe you should not like him altogether.

what? why not?

well, the fact that...

shh, he's coming.

- "hey june," kyle says smiling. oh god, that smile.

dude, focus.

oh right.

- "sup kyle."

- "sup? haha well, that's new," he laughs and sits next to me. 

sup brain?! sup?! veryyy smooth.

hey dont blame me, you made me said it.

- he leans close to me. i could feel his hot breath against my bare skin.

"dont forget tonight aite? you got to help me with anna, i cant screw our first date," he whispers. 

- i nod. he smiles, pats my back and gets up. "awesome, see you then!" he waves goodbye and leaves.

you're totally friendzoned. 

what should i do?

he's your bestfriend. what CAN you do?

arghhh.

you can't fall for him. you're not ready.

too late, i've already fallen. deep.

- i sigh as i watch him walks out of the cafeteria.

why?

"because it's something i have to do."

is it? 

"yeah."

you sure?

"what do you care?"

because when you go down, i'll have to go down with you.

"no one will know about... they told me i'll be safe."

you sure?

"they told me i'll be safe... they swore."

people lie.

"they dont."

you're too naive.

"if you're so against it, why didnt you stop me?"

you shut me out.

"i didnt."

you did. but you bring me back now, because you're confused.

"ughh."

so, where do we stand?

"in a deep shit hole..."

well, at least we're standing.

"ha ha bloody ha."

what are we going to do with it?

"this is why i brought you back. thought you'd maybe have some ideas."

we could burn it.

"too obvious."

bury it?

"too much work."

pretend this never happened?

"i kinda... like that."

really?

"yeah. we should leave."

she looks down on the lifeless body sprawled awkwardly on the floor. blood flooding it. she closes her eyes and breathes deeply. the stench of death and a little regret fill the air. as she turns around to leave, something hit her hard on the head. she falls.

*coughs coughs* "god, this hurts."

she puts her hands on her head. she can feel blood oozing out of her head. several hits on her body leaves her paralyzed beside the dead body.

wow, karma was fast. 

"who's there?!" *coughs coughs* "oh god..."

more hard hits. shuffling footsteps. deep voices whispering. the sound of her bones breaking.

i told you we'll go down.

"no you didnt."

yeah well, but i did mention it.

"ha ha bloody ha."

then, everything goes pitch black.

Innocence of Muslims

assalamualaikum/peace be upon you.

i guess the title says it all.
truth said, i havent watched it but for what ive heard from those who had, i dont think i want too.
as a muslim, of course im mad. infuriated in fact.
how could, for anyone, to downgrade a religion to that extent?
where's that humanness in all of us that made us different from the jungle brutes?
for who they have insulted was.. no, is and always will be the exact definition of a perfect human being.

i can't even put my devastation, frustration and my disbelief in what is happening into the right words.
the chaos of humankind. the animals we have become. the lowest of the lowest of creatures on this earth.

dont let this be a vantage point for other religions to take a step forward, to see that it's ok, to know that it's fine to taunt, slander and disrespect other believers.
dont let this be a concrete reason to erupt a war.
dont let this be a barrier to other religions to see the beauty in islam.
dont let this be how others portray how islam is because it's not.

i respect those who have their own opinions in what they believe and what they dont.

but this is too much.

if you're skeptical about what islam is all about after the 9/11 incident, take the effort to go to those who are well taught, well versed and well educated in islam not to those who are full of hatred and revenge in their cores.

there are always a few bad apples in a huge barrel. but the other apples those in that barrel are not rotten and spoiled.

i beg of others to see us in a whole different perspective apart from what you already know through this propaganda. to see the real islam. not of what they have depicted poorly of us.

our prophet Rasulullah s.a.w. was not of all what they have filmed.
not even close.

when you really take the extra effort to know him, for what he was and for what he had done, you will fall in love with him.
you'd mourn for his absence and you'd want him back. to set things right.

so, as my part as a muslim who loves her religion, i'd do my fair share to clear my beloved prophet's name and all together educate those who know none of him, here are a few well known figures who had commented on Rasulullah s.a.w.'s excellent qualities even after his departure.

1. Sir Herbert Spencer (English philosopher): Should you make Muhammad as a symbol of religious political right, and one of the most honest in implementing the system, sacred heart of mankind. Muhammad is a first embodiment of pure honesty - day and night -always diligently developing his ummah.

2. Dr Wilw (1818-1889, French-orientalist wrote in his work 'Khulafa Tarikhul') : Muhammad entitled to our admiration and gratitude as the great reformer, and he should also be known as a prophet. We do not need to hear stories and opinions of extremes. Indeed Muhammad is great in personality and very obedient to Islam. Whoever attacks him, it is clear they do not understand and they are damaging his honorable services.

3. Albornos Catian (Italian orientalist whore in his book 'Arab Adyanul') : The privilege of Muhammad is located on his amazing ability to be a smart-smart politician, more than a prophet who got the revelation. If they knew none of Muhammad,  they tarnish Muhammad's dignity, and they who do it, then they are injustice against themselves and against Muhammad.

4. Mahatma Ghandi: Once I wonder who most influenced human figure? I am more than convinced that it was not the sword that gives greatness of Islam at the time. But it comes from simplicity, the unpretentious, the precautionary Muhammad, and extraordinary devotion to friends and followers, his determination, courage, and confidence in God and his job. All this (and not the sword) remove all obstacles. When I closed the last page of volume 2 (biography of Muhammad), I was sad because there is no story that is left of the great life. The teachings brought by Muhammad is the omission of one's wisdom not only for Muslims but for whole human race.

5. Edward Adams (American orientalist from one of his works) : Arab countries first before Prophethood of Muhammad, were countries sink into depravity. Difficult for us to characterize various disturbances that occurred in each place. Great damage that torments the people at that time and evil in children (daughter born buried alive for fear of disastrous), human sacrifices made ​​in the name of religion, the ongoing war between tribes, and the communities that live often lack, as well as the absence of a strong legal order. All the result of slavery and human bondage, increased crime, sexual abuse and no honor among men. When Muhammad came as the interpreter of  The Almighty for the whole universe's treatise which is the Qur'an and bring the light on his left hand. Verily, that all this is to free human beings from the darkness and being them into the light of God's grace is Sublime.

masyaAllah, beautiful aren't they? many more on the net :)

and so, i urge to those muslims out there to respond and react intelligently to this offence. dont go out there holding knives and guns declaring war out of the blue. tell those who know not of the beauty of islam and the greatest man that had ever walked on earth (Rasulullah s.a.w.). to those prolific writers, bloggers, vloggers and twitters, do your part in spreading them on the net. the fastest medium to convey information.
for war is the last form of jihad there is.

this is a message from a fellow muslim, a human being, a God's slave and a girl.

spread the word. insyaAllah, we fight these bad images of islam and our prophet - peacefully.


islam is not just a religion, it's a way of life

she takes a drag of her cigarette, half inhaling the forbidden yet exhilarating smoke then expelling it to the atmosphere. the cold november air is sickening - biting her pale exposed skin. she lets the cigarette hangs on the edge of her lips as she shoves her gloved hands inside her leather jacket.

she has always hated the cold in the winter.

but the summer's heat disgusts her the most.

shows how much time she spends being inside.

she leans her back to a brick wall and tilts her head up letting her bangs fall slightly off to the right. the sun shies away hiding behind thin clouds emitting only a ring of vague sunlight. 

she sighs. 

what a mess.

she closes her eyes. trying to soak in as much as she could. the sound and the smell of the outer city. although the city is said to be overpopulated, most of the people look almost familiar to her. tired eyes, sagged postures and those poker faces. 

pfft, zombies. 

the city is divided into two parts. although it's not stated black and white, but the public is well-aware of the significant differences between the outer city and the city center. the way people dressed for example in both parts of the city is different. the state-of-the-art superstructures and skyscrapers mostly emerged in the city center leaving the dull old crappy buildings ready to collapse in the outer city. even the people's names depict which part of the city they come from.

don't go. we could run away you know. 

she chuckles. her inner voice has a mind of its own.

she loathes the city. be it the outer or the center. she spends most of her life living and commuting only around the outer city and if and only if she has to deal with the upper people she steps foot in the city center. to her, the whole city reeks of lies and deceits. 

trust no one. 

the more she stays immobile, the more the cold air bites into her. she grits her teeth as the cold is starting to really agitate her. her palpitations start to elevate. the people around don't seem to mind her. they're too busy worrying about themselves. 

"it's a dog-eat-dog world," her deceased mum once told her after she discovered that she was suffering from breast cancer and she had just got laid off from her job. "i mean, shits happen. you just have to man up and face them." she was 8 then. 

she slowly slides her right hand on the barrel of the gun inside her pocket. 

feeling it's features. it's expensive metal. it's weight. it's texture. it's power. 

"you're wrong mum, it's a bitch-eat-bitch world," she whispers under her breath snickering, her fingers carefully curling the handle of the gun. her pocket has never felt so heavy, so out of place, so different.  

her other hand flicks the cigarette to the pavement. she steps on it to distinguish the tiny flame. she swallows hard and pushes herself off the wall walking with her head down towards the city center. with the gun fully loaded and her target identified, she is ready. her veins are filled with adrenaline, vengeance overwhelms her heart and her hallow eyes show no sight of a human soul. she is determined to get it done. 

"i guess...

.... you could say that im that person you'll look twice at.
the first glance is just a mere sweeping of your eyes. a very general glance, detecting how many people are around including me.
the second glance is more specific - to me mostly - to make sure you're not seeing a famous celebrity.
which means the second glance will last a few seconds longer than the first one but you'll get your assurance. im not a celebrity." -tay giff


yeah, that's how random she gets.

and again.

peace be upon you.

titanium is banging in her earphones.
her head nods following the rhythm.


fingers are cold to the bones.
the dead silence of the atmosphere doesnt choke her.
isnt awkward either.
because she knows where she is.
i'm talking loud not saying much.



the table is full of papers of undone assignments.
shoot me down but i wont fall.
i am titanium.


tabs after tabs after tabs of different perspectives,
funny how one question triggers multiple answers,
ghost town and hunted love.
raise your voice,
sticks and stones may break my bones.

her head is clouded,
too many things to do,
so little time.
stone hard, machine gun.
fire up the ones who run.

as the fingers type swiftly on the keyboard,
sia is coming to the end of her last verse,
guetta is running out of head-nodding beats,
she has come to the end of her post.
she presses replay.
and again.


i'm talking loud not saying much...

sandwich telurku beranak (?)

assalamualikum.

sesungguhnya, ketahuilah bahawa cerita kali ini ialah cerita benar yang tak gempak pun. takda aksi lucah, aksi manusia terbang dan letupan dynamite yang dahsyat. hanya cerita aku dengan sandwich telurku.
cerita ini memang ada kena mengena dengan yang hidup. tapi harap takda dengan yang mati. *seram sejuk*

dua hari lepas, yakni hari isnin, aku kelam kabut menyiapkan apa yang patut disiapkan pada sabtu dan ahad lepas. memang kerja aku semua last minute. padanlaa markah pun.... mengucap panjang je yang mampu aku buat.

berbalik kepada kisah aku...
dua hari lepas, yakni hari isnin (dejavu. ye, ini ialah situasi yang tepat untuk menggunakan perkataan dejavu, oleh itu berhenti! berhenti menggunakan perkataan dejavu untuk situasi yang lebih sesuai dinamakan sebagai karma dan normal), oleh sebab kepala otak diselubungi kerisauan tidak siap kertas kerja, aku hanya ada selera untuk makan sandwich telur bungkus. sandwich aku berbentuk tiga segi. pernah tengok tak? mestilah pernah kan? roti inti telur yang dipotong senget supaya jadi separuh. 

untuk mereka yang tiada imaginasi, lebih kurang macam gambar atas ni. cuma bungkusan aku bungkusan kotak plastik. kononnya, atas sikit tarafnya.

ok, sambung cerita...

ketika itu, aku hanya berahi untuk makan separuh sahaja sandwich itu. separuh lagi aku simpan dalam plastik dia semula. selepas itu, aku ke kelas. setelah habis kelas, aku pun menuju ke perpustakaan kolejku dengan sandwich telur ditangan. ok, untuk cerita ni, mesti ada dalam minda anda bahawa roti aku hanya ada separuh. faham ya? tak susah kan? separuh. separuh lagi dalam perut aku.

bila aku masuk perpustakaan, aku terlupa yang sandwich aku masih di tangan. bila aku patah balik nak keluar daripada perpustakaan, makcik perpustakaan yang berbangsa india (kita namakan dia baby, boleh?) tegur aku, "adik, tak leh makan dalam perpustakaan."

ok sengih macam kerang busuk, "ok."

sepatutnya aku keluar lepastu telan terus sandwich separuh tu kan? tapi aku tak tahu kenapa aku tak terfikir nak makan pun sandwich itu. oleh itu, aku letak dia dekat rak luar perpustakaan lalu aku masuk semula.

setelah 3 jam di perpustakaan (rajin tak? rajin tak? terima kasih), aku pun keluar untuk ambil sandwich aku. bila aku tengok rak luar perpustakaan, aku terkejut. mana taknya, sandwich aku yang mula-mula tinggal satu dah jadi dua. 

"what the...." aku bermonolog luaran.

"oi izzy, jom ah, kau tengok apa tu?" amal tegur aku.

oopss, lupa nak cakap, amal, kawan aku nampak aku dah makan separuh sandwich aku. 

"eh mal, sandwich aku ke ni?" aku tanya. mataku masih pada dua keping sandwich tersebut.

"err, kau letak situ ke?" dia tanya.

"ha ah. exactly kat sini. tapi sandwich aku tinggal satu tadi. sekarang dah dua. orang lain punya kot," aku jawab sambil mencari kelibat sandwich 'forever alone' aku. tapi tiada.

"ke sandwich aku beranak?" kami gelak. tak kelakar pun padahal. 

"binary fission kot haha" amal sambung.

"hmm, biar laaa." kami pun menuju ke kelas seterusnya.

keesokkan harinya, aku lepak perpustakaan lagi (rajin kan? rajin kan? terima kasih 2.0). aku ke kounter perpustakaan untuk meng'stapler' kertas kerja aku. baby di kounter sedang.... tak ingat laa apa baby buat, sebab aku terlalu fokus nak meng'stapler'. 

"eh awak punya sandwich ke kat luar semalam?" baby tanya.

aku kaget. "err.. ha ah kot." itu je yang aku balas sebab aku malas nak cerita tentang sandwich aku beranak semua fantasi haram tu. nanti dia ingat aku gila.

"tak, memang sandwich awak. sebab semalam, saya keluar nak pergi tandas, saya nampak sandwich awak yang tinggal separuh tu...." baby membuka cerita.

dalam otak aku cuma ada satu soalan je, kenapa dia usha sandwich aku?

"bila saya keluar tandas, saya nampak sandwich awak dah jadi dua..."

serius, kenapa kau usha? nak laa tuu...

"saya pelik, lepas tu saya datang dekat sandwich tu. saya ternampak ada satu nota kecil. saya tak ingat ayat tepat dia, tapi dia tulis lebih kurang, 'sorry, i accidentally push your sandwich and it fell. so here's a new one. very sorry'. baik kan? saya terkejut sangat. sebab saya masuk tandas tu sekejap je. cepat dia ganti sandwich awak." baby ketawa kecil.

aku terkejut. wow. betul ke ni?

"yeke?" aku tanya, masih kurang percaya.

"ha ah."

aku sengih macam kerang busuk 2.0.

baik. sangat baik. 

mungkin orang yang ganti tu seorang perempuan dan dia ingat sandwich tu kepunyaan seorang lelaki kacak.

tapi apa-apa pun, dia ganti sandwich aku.

dia..

ganti...

aku kagum dengan keprihatinan dia.

humanity restored level: 20% :)

tetapi kecewa sikit. aku ingat roti tu betul-betul beranak.

nota kaki: aku cari nota itu, tak jumpa. sandwich tu pun dah takda. kecewa bertambah....

nota kaki berkaki: ke baby amik?

nota kaki berkaki berlari-lari: husnuzon (baik sangka) izzy, husnuzon....

right in the corner,

she saw him,
bloody,
restless,
bewildered by her presence.

she started to approach him,
he hugged himself,
as if building a shield,
"dont come close" he rasped edgily,
she stopped,
"let me help you" she cajoled,
"LEAVE!" he shouted,
he swung his right hand violently,
almost hitting her.

she didnt move,
she stood her ground and pleaded,
and pleaded,
and pleaded.

it was an accident,
he didnt realize,
it was an involuntarily action,
he swung his left arm,
he didnt remember,
the knife he was tightly holding,
it was an accident,
accident,
he swore,
it was an accident,
accident,
accident.....

crimson liquid slowly seeps out her white blouse,
she looked down,
tears rolling down her cheeks,
she fell,
hard on the dirty pavement,
eyes wide opened.

he wailed,
kneeling down beside her,
the only woman he loved,
the only woman who loved him,
was no more.

dead.

lifeless.

bloodied.

undone.

because of him.

"im sorry, i cant be saved. im a lost case."

he kissed her forehead,
closed her eyes.

he took one last breath,
then
one..
two..
stop.
three..
times he stabbed himself on the chest.

the same knife.

he fell,
laying next to her.
their blood mixed.

the pavement was drowned with pools of thick liquid,
of two humans,
wasted.

"i love you," he whispered.

then,
gone...

dont be that person,

who keeps lying to herself,

that it was okay.

dont be that person,

who keeps one eye close,

blinding herself from the truth.

dont be that person,

who loses everything she's been working hard to get.

dont be that person,

who makes others worry for her,

who keeps her friends and her family trembling,

fearing for her safety.

dont be that person,

who ruins the name of the religion.

dont be that person,

who Allah will resent and Syaitan will adore.

dont be that person,

who puts lust and desire first,

before her sane and logical mind.

dont be that person,

who doesnt believe in Allah's better plans in the future for her.

dont be that person,

who loves the dunya more than the divine's eternal love and the sweet success of the hereafter.

dont be that person,

who hides behind that hijab and hours of Quran recitations,

yet the heart is dark, twisted and sinful.

dont be a hypocrite. 

dont be that person.

please.

just,

dont.

your absence...

made me realized,
nothing lasts forever,
nothing is always what it seems,
though i know these,
i didnt think they apply to reality that much,
because looking back,
you looked contented,
not happy, no,
just contented.

the way you took everything in,
i didnt see you cry,
you were moody, yes,
but you werent crying.

but now,
you're not here,
my verdict proved me otherwise.

i heard,
you were haunted by the past,
you were so afraid you'll slip off again,
"possibilities are there,
but dont forget the impossibles as well" she said,
but your efforts i tell you,
are well wasted my friend.

i thought i could read you like an open book,
but clearly i was wrong,
i thought you passed that phase,
but clearly you didnt.

you triggered a certain thought in everybody's mind,
you make us doubt,
you make us question until today.

i dont know what to feel,
am i angry?
yes.
am i sad?
yes.

i guess i shouldnt blame you,
because frankly,
i thought of the same move.

but i was too scared to execute it,
you beat me to it.

i guess that's what i really feel right now,
defeated

and
maybe,
a pinch,
of

regret.

setakat kau, hah!

jangan cari pasal dengan permaisuri harimau betina yang dah lama hidup dalam hutan belantara.
kau ingat senang nak jadi permaisuri dalam hutan tu?
berapa banyak pesaing yang dia dah hapuskan.
setakat kau.
yang hanya tahu berlagak.
hidup sentiasa senang.
tak faham erti hidup susah.
tak faham nilai duit.
takda sifat empati, simpati.
kaulah manusia yang paling senang untuk dihapuskan.
dengan perangai kau yang macam....
entahlaa, macam rasanya, iblis pun tercabar.
kau rasa kau hebat?
nampak sangat akal kau dangkal.
cetek.
kesian..


sangat kesian.

tambahan pula,
nak cabar permaisuri harimau betina tu.
aih, kalau taknak guna akal pun kan,
gunalaa 'common sense'.
sedangkan binatang pun ada,
takkan kau yang sempurna dicipta takda?


terasa?
bagus.
biar kau sedar, kalau tak banyak pun, sikit, bahawa dunia ni luas.
kalau kau rasa kat kampung tu kaulah hebat memancing,
jangan terkejut bila datang sini,
seorang yang lebih mulia daripada kau sejuta kali lagi hebat.

realiti.
nak buat macam mana kan?

sekarang...

assalamualaikum wbt kepada pembaca (kalau ada).

mungkin kalau diteliti, aku jarang 'update' blog menceritakan tentang kisah hidup aku. bukan sebab aku ni orang yang kuat berahsia, aku cuma manusia biasa. aku kurang bersosial di luar. hanya di sesawang internet sahaja. aku ada ramai rakan baik disekeliling aku yang penuh drama dan lawak jenaka yang mungkin kalau korang nak faham, agak susah. oleh sebab itu, kebanyakkan pos di blog ini ditulis berdasarkan imaginasi aku sendiri.

apa-apa pun, pos kali ini aku tekad untuk cerita secara rawak apa yang sedang menyelubungi kotak fikiran aku sekarang. sedang aku menulis pos ini, aku berada di dalam bilik diskusi perpustakaan kolejku. tujuan aku berada disini adalah untuk menyiapkan kertas kerja subjek 'malaysian studies' bersama rakan sekumpulan. kami berempat menghadap topik 'Malaysia Negara Islam: Satu Analisis' dengan mata yang kuyu dan otak yang hampir putus fius untuk minggu ini. mana tidaknya, bersengkang mata di depan komputer riba hampir seminggu lebih mencari informasi mengenai 'lab report chemistry' yang tiada penghujungnya. letih. sangat letih. kerja-kerja di kolej merupakan beban yang berat untuk aku.

OK, terlari daripada target pos ini pula. maaf. seperti yang aku tulis di atas, diskusi kami sepatutnya merupakan lontaran idea lima orang budak tajaan mara. sayang, seribu kali sayang, cuma tinggal empat orang sahaja. seorang lagi di mana? dia sudah pindah. sedih. sangat sedih. aku akan merindui karismanya, kecekapannya, kecomelannya dan keikhlasannya membantu. namun, setiap pertemuan pasti ada perpisahan, kalau bukan oleh pemergian secara kekal, mungkin pemergian secara visual sahaja. insyaAllah aku akan cuba sentiasa hubungi kau wahai rakan. dua orang budak tajaan mara telah meninggalkan kami. terkapai-kapai tanpa kehadiran mereka.

seterusnya, aku sebenarnya bukanlaa tertekan/stress dengan kerja yang bertimbun malah aku rasa macam seorang remaja yang semakin matang. tapi, yelakan, bila badan dah mula tak ikut sistem yang sepatutnya, aku mula merungut. otak dah letih, badan dan sengal-sengal, mata semakin berat. dugaan hidup. memang dugaan. tambah-tambah dengan katil yang empuk dan godaan internet yang tiada kesudahannya.

aku masuk kolej sejak awal bulan satu lagi. jadi aku tidak merasa 3 bulan cuti tu. nak cakap menyesal, ada laa jugak, tetapi ini jalan yang telah aku pilih. kena pandai hadapilaa kan?

jujur aku ngaku, 'foundation in science' di KBU ini agak mencabar kapasiti fizikal, mental dan emosional aku. kalau tidak dengan kerja kursus yang bertimbun, pasti aku akan dibebankan dengan 'quiz' dan 'test', kalau tidak pun, 'lab report' serta 'presentation'. tambahan pula, untuk masuk IMU tahun hadapan, CGPA aku kena 3.50 keatas disertakan dengan temuduga kemasukkan. ini belum budak jurusan doktor lagi ni, baru ASASI dah tak cukup tanah aku buat kerja. perghhhh....

mengucap panjang aku.

walaubagaimanapun, aku semakin hampir dengan pengakhiran sem 2 aku. memang gelabah dah otak aku ni memikirkan ujian besar subjek-subjek payah FIS ni.

dan aku akan menjalani MUET pada bulan julai dan IELTS pada bulan november.

wow, panjang jugak pos kali ini. oleh itu, aku ingin mengundur diri dahulu.

xx.

finn

"life must go on. challenges will make you grow stronger and wiser." 

the looks on everyone's faces seem to be getting on my nerves. i can feel their stares piercing through the back of my head and spine. though they're whispering, i can surprisingly hear their every word.

why is he still here?
he got guts.
oh god, i cant stand the sight of him.
poor dude.
ok, dont stand to close. he might strike.

though im the type who rarely get mad, but right now, im starting to feel my blood boiling. i usually dont give a damn to what people say because they rarely talk about me. but since i am now the center of attention, i now understand why some people become self-conscious over their actions. every receptor in my body tingles sending stimuli to my brain asking me to walk faster and to disappear from the suffocating hallway. i pull my hood up and stuff my hands in my jeans pockets. i gain speed and keep my head down trying to so-called blend in. it's actually really hard to miss me, im almost 6 feet 2, lean with quite tight muscles. i've been doing a lot of sports while i was confined. i stick out like a sore thumb. the students move aside letting me pass and are very careful not to touch me or even make any eye-contact with me.
as if im contagious.
as if im an alien.
as if im the reason of all the bad things in this world.
"maybe you should stay home," mum said over the counter this morning. "you know, until everything cools down a bit."
"im ok. i have chemistry test today," i said spooning a spoonful of cereal and stuffed in my mouth.
"it can wait," she sighed.
"it cant." exasperated by her negativity, i stood up and walked over to the sink to wash my bowl.
"i'm going," i didnt look at her and went straight to the front door.
"ok, stay safe," she tiredly called out.
i lied of course. it's the start of the second semester. tests are miles away. i just wanted to get out of the house. i'd choke to death if i were to stay in the pigeon hole for another whole day. i've always love early may's whether. warm and humid.
i cycled as fast as i could trying to leave my worries behind. though the wind was genuinely refreshing, my thoughts still clustered with so many possibilities. i dont want to go to school, but i dont want to stay home either. going somewhere else will just rage my father's already bad temper.
ok, man up finn, just one day. bare through it. maybe everybody has forgotten.
jyeah, and santa claus exits. i countered myself.
yes, im that pathetic.
the more i think about how pathetic and sickening my life has become, the more i feel like punching someone in his face. and right now, there's only one person i could think of. jack lynch. you son of a b...
i am cut short when something hit me hard straight in the face. my nose bleeds.
"dude, my bad," jack lynch snorts as he takes back the basketball that hit me on the floor "you should watch where you put your face man," he snickers. speaking of the devil. nobody dares to laugh. the hallway becomes dead silent. our eyes lock. this situation may look like a bad cowboy movie. if only i could drive my fist up his chin. pull out a few teeth, i'd be a happy man today. but i am not going to let this freakshow turns me into a green monster yet again. because of him, my reputation is scarred.
calm down finn. he's just screwing with you. he's a nutcase. i console myself. dont kill him.
i slowly breathe in and out straining myself from tackling him down to the floor.
you'll kill him you. you know that. my conscience reminds me.
i pull a tight smile, "s'okay," and walk pass him. if only i could just inflict a figment of my pain on him, i bet he would beg to just end his life right then and there. and the world would be so much better without him.
"you're a monster, finn. you should just kill yourself," he calls out to me. i don't look back. i can't look back. if i do, i'd gnaw his head off.
walk away finn, walk away. 
i am not sure what are the reactions on everybody's faces. i am fast-walking trying to blur out the images of their stares and go straight to the boy's restroom. when i enter, 3 awkward teenage boys are smoking and they stop talking when they see me. one of them is ogling me like i'm sprouting a second head.
"what the hell are you looking at?" i croak with a threatening tone. probably not a good idea considering my reputation right now. but damn well i dont care.
"nothing man. gees, we're leaving," a pale-freckled face red head puts out his cigarette and pulling on his friends' sleeves. they both stub their cigarettes and follow the red head to the door. they keep their eyes on me and walk as far away as possible. they hurry out leaving me in the restroom all bloodied and somewhat bad-ass.
i could get use to this. 
at one point, i feel myself as untouchable, invincible.
like i can even take a bullet and survive without wounds.
i turn to face the mirror. it shows nothing interesting. my tan face and my black hair arent too bad. i look okay.
just okay.
just fine.
just normal.
just a man. or a boy.
with slightly dangerous deep green eyes. but mean no harm at all.
but the people outside of these white tiled-walls think im a monster. an abomination.
with bombs strap around me. waiting patiently to explode.
"im just me goddammit. just me," i say out loud propping my body with my hands on the sink.
my eyes are starting to swell with tears.
the adrenaline rush ive been trying to contain suddenly surges through my veins.
involuntarily, i punch the white tiled-walls beside the mirror. one of the tiles crack into pieces. some of the pieces fall to the floor. i pull my arm back. the region where i just punched is stained with crimson liquid. i look at my knuckles. they're red with blood oozing out slowly giving me a painful sensation.
oh shit.






to be continue? should it? hmm...

~2.

'wahai bidadari,

kau nampak sungguh anggun hari ni. walaupun muka kau macam mengalami senggugut, tapi masih lagi dapat mencairkan hatiku. apakah yang sungguh penting pada pagi yang hening ini yang menyebabkan kau berlari seperti seorang athlete? walaupun aku tahu kau tak mampu menjawab persoalan aku, tetapi aku harapkan yang terbaik untuk kau hari ini, seperti biasa. semoga kau dapat terima sekotak coklat ini. citarasa kau tinggi wahai bidadari, tetapi tidak mengapa, buat kau, aku belikan juga :) jangan rakus. kunyah, jangan terus telan.

p.s. amacam aku cakap ala-ala penulis sastera? jadi? hehe

-without wax'

aku tersengih setelah selesai membaca sekeping nota yang di letakkan di bawah sekotak coklat 'ferreroroche' berbentuk jantung di atas 'hood' kereta myVi aku. siapakah kau wahai lelaki misteri? aku menghembus nafas panjang. nota ini merupakan nota ke-4 aku terima daripada lelaki 'without wax' ini. hari ini, notanya agak formal. aku melihat keliling kawasan tempat letak kereta kolej aku. cuba untuk mencari sesiapa yang sedang memerhatikan aku. seperti biasa, aku akan kecewa. siapakah kau? aku tanya lagi sebelum mengangkat semua barang aku dan menuju ke kuliah pertama pada pagi itu. bersama mr. kay.



bersambung.....

between life and death

i was striving to breathe.
i was kicking for air.
the more i tried, the more i realized that my effort was in vain.
have you ever felt it? the near death experience?
i could feel my lungs were burning. God, it was painful.
it was a slow death. i didnt like it one bit.
funny, i used to tell myself that i should die peacefully on my nice warm bed.
life has always a way to amuse me.
i figured the only way to save myself is to not too.
why bother trying when it is destined that i die this way?
why bother propelling with my legs and arms when the water kept gushing into my mouth and nose without mercy?
surely this slight twist of event in my life meant something.
this clearly showed that i was meant to die this way. in this muddy water. disgracefully.
all the written duties and responsibilities were all lies and deceits.
cough cough.
i read out a silent prayer praying for a better life after death.
suddenly, those light-flashing moments came into view.
the movies werent kidding. the myth of these moments exist.
i saw my mother, my father. the people who i never really got to know.
a few acquaintances i met during my journey.
madam grief. oh yes, madam grief. her face was the most vivid.
i could still hear her words of wisdom.
and of course derek.
derek...
at that moment, the only thing i could think of, was how heavy my body felt.
my head was spinning uncontrollably.
as my eyes were slowly closing, i could see something was moving closer to me.
my first thought was a predator. but then again, it looked more like a human.
a human?
am i saved?
wow.
saved.
wow...
....
.....
......
.......
then everything went black, sucked in an abyss black-hole.  


p.s. i found this piece in one of my books i wrote a few years back. i tweaked it a little bit. lol

Penulisan Liberal

Salam.

Kalau pembaca lebih gemar dengan penulisan yang membawa kepada keghairahan atau mencarut, mohon tutup tab atau window ini. Sebab cerita-cerita ku, tiada unsur-unsur itu(mungkin sikit mencarut haha). Heh. Aku perasan, kini, kemuncak zaman indie (ke aku salah?) yang semakin liberal mengekspresi gaya penulisan tentang benda-benda tersebut. Dah macam gaya barat cuma penulisan dalam bahasa kebangsaan la senang cerita. Aku ngaku, aku juga ada terbaca cerita-cerita begitu.

Terasa ghairah? Hmm, tak pun.

Mungkin sebab aku kurang menghayati kot? Tetapi, apa yang aku tahu, imaginasi penulis-penulis ni sangat ‘detail’ seolah-olah pernah mengalaminya(hubungan intim).

Ok, sekarang aku nak gelak besar.

Tetapi, penceritaan penulis-penulis ini menggambarkan masyarakat Melayu yang lazimnya dikenali sebagai penganut agama Islam. Dan latar tempat yang digambarkan kebanyakkannya daripada ibu negara Malaysia. Ada yang melatarkan masyarakat kaya (Datuk, Datin, Tun, Tan Sri) ada juga melatarkan masyarakat sederhana serta para remaja sama ada masih di kolej mahupun yang baru graduasi.

Cerita-cerita yang menyelitkan keghairahan sama ada antara suami isteri mahupun yang bukan mahram ini semua diceritakan secara eksplisit tanpa segan silu menyelitkan unsur agama dan budaya masyarakat Melayu.

Mungkin antara suami isteri boleh dipertimbangkan, tetapi antara bukan mahram? Ish ish ish.

Secara jujur, aku tertanya sama ada cerita-cerita ini semua berdasarkan pengalaman penulis-penulis ini sendiri.

Tak kisah la first-hand ataupun sebagai pendengar daripada rakan-rakan yang mengalaminya.

Kalau jawapannya ya, aku mengucap panjang.

Adakah begini cara hidup masyarakat Melayu kita yang semakin hanyut dengan budaya yang kafir?

Adakah begini cara hidup masyarakat Melayu kita yang terus-menerus dalam belenggu maksiat dan dosa?

Astaghfirullahhalazim. Aku bukan nak cakap sama ada aku ni seorang manusia tanpa dosa, tetapi, serius aku sendiri takut dan malu.

Memangla aku sebagai pembaca yang perlu mengambil moral daripada cerita tersebut. Tetapi, tak ke kadang-kadang tertanya sama ada perkara begini betul-betul berlaku? Lagi-lagi berlatarkan masyarakat, tempat dan masa yang sama dengan aku.

Sama dan dekat. Aku takut.

Harap-harap semua cerita ini berdasarkan imaginasi penulis-penulis tanah air yang tinggi dan provokatif. Itu jela yang mampu aku harapkan.

Pendapat anda pula bagaimana? Hmmm.

aku tak boleh survive kalau terus macam ni.

Random Rant episode 3

salam.

ok, lets start.

now as i am in college, time is scarce in term of doing my homework but too much in term of doing unnecessary things. or is it the other way round?

regardless, i find it super hard to concentrate on my studies or study itself as i am yet to enjoy KBU. i mean of course the companies are great. the subjects are quite basics. the lecturers are eventhough sometimes heartless and impulsive, but actually quite caring and thorough (this could either be good or bad. NEVER both). but sometimes, you need to get the joy of it so that you feel like doing it. am i making sense? of course not.

i have three phase tests coming up. bio chemis and physics. my preparation? NIL. NADA.

im really eating myself up right now.

LITERALLY.

a presentation about paint. which due in two weeks. I HAVENT START A CRAP.

money wise is fine. i still get money from my parents though MARA's money has banked in already. but i spoil myself with food.

LOTS OF FOOD.

FAST FOOD AND HEAVY FOOD.

IM GETTING FATTER.

being in college is not HEALTHY AT ALL!
you WILL i repeat YOU WILL abuse yourselves with computer games, social websites, fast food and sleep. i even finished playing insaniquarium. a current dangerous addiction!

i mean, being in college at - well not yet 18 - is something well, a bit hard for me.

i know, i whine a lot, i should appreciate the opportunity given. dont get me wrong, i do.

but sometimes, you know in humans, i feel like i need more time to do nothing.

i need a little bit of liberty. you know just one week.

but nothing is easy in life.

we all have to go to that college-life phase. it's a matter of how fast you'll be in it.

to me, it's FAST enough.

i should be doing my homework right now. or i should be studying. or better yet sleeping. not rambling on this page. but, when lust takes over (please ladies and gentlemen control your lusts) i just have to simply follow it. sorry, A REALLY REALLY BAD ADVISE.

but hell, who cares. im writing about myself anyway. pffft.

STOP BEING SO VAIN! (note-to-self)

ok, before i babble about things that are less necessary, i rather stop and continue with my homework.

or maybe i should feed my fish a little longer?

nahh..

nak cerita jugak

salam.
mungkin, sesiapa yang membaca akan meyirap dengan post jejak hidup aku untuk kali ini. dah lama aku berhajat untuk menulis tentang benda ni, cuma masih tidak menjumpai kata-kata yang sesuai.
tapi, kalau setakat asyik memikir tanpa betul-betul nak menulis, memang laa tak dapat kata-kata yang sesuai kan?
ok, membebel pulak aku ni.
post kali ni aku nak cerita pasal seorang lelaki yang paling lama aku suka (setakat ni).

saat kami berjumpa, nak cakap romantik, memang jauh sangat.
jumpa dekat airport lcct. masa tu, tengah tunggu beg yang dalam kargo. aku pun menyapu mata aku ke sekeliling, ternampak kelibat seorang lelaki yang agak tinggi dan agak putih melepak.
mata aku terhenti. oh boleh tahan, detik hatiku.
untuk mengelakkan mata kami bertentangan, aku pandang tempat lain, kemudian, dengan sengaja aku toleh semula ke arah dia. dia senyum dekat seseorang. lepas tu dia ketawa. ternampak giginya yang ber-'braces'. oh tuhan, sangat comel. aku mula cair.

dari saat itu, aku mula mencari kelibatnya di sekolah. cuba menghafal bentuk begnya yang agak usang tapi sangat kelelakian.

nak pendekkan cerita, mungkin ini ialah dugaan hidup atau ujian daripadaNYA. aku dapat lebih mengenalinya.

aku anggap dia seorang lelaki yang sempurna. baik. tak, terlampau baik. suka jaga tepi kain aku. 'just the way i like it'. penyayang. banyak lagi.

tapi, kalau nak dikatakan sempurna di mata orang lain, mungkin tidak.
bukan nak kata apa, tapi aku rasa, dia takde laa sehebat lelaki-lelaki lain yang pernah aku jumpa. kami pun banyak perbezaan. dia pernah kata aku ni macam kelelakian sikit. aku terasa, tapi entahlah, dia sungguh menarik buat aku.

sangat naif.

perwatakkan dia nampak sangat masih setahun jagung dalam berinteraksi dengan seorang perempuan.

memang sangat naif.

tapi aku suka. entah kenapa.

hubungan kami tidak lebih daripada seorang kawan.
takkan lebih kot. tapi, kalau ditakdirkan TUHAN kami bersama sampai ke jinjang pelamin, aku bersyukur.

rasanya, dah betul-betul dua tahun aku suka dia.
perasaan dia terhadap aku?
aku pun tak tahu. dan aku taknak tahu.
kalau dia jumpa seseorang perempuan yang jauh lebih baik daripada aku, aku akan sokong dia habis-habisan. insyaAllah.

nota kaki: boleh percaya ke cerita dongeng aku ni? ke hanya fantasi semata-mata? :)

2012's first post

salam.

to start, im a human.
and as far as im concerned, humans are GOD's finest creations.
if i were to be resurrected and be a cat, well, who am i to know. i'm just very greatfull that ALLAH gave me this chance to become a human. alhamdulillah.

what's the purpose of this post?
honestly speaking, i have no idea.
ever since after my SPM, i admit, i do actually try to write something on this blog after i'd left it dead for almost a year or so.

but if you (to whoever this may concern) notice, by any chance that i've deleted all the posts regarding narcissism and photos without hijab. including the photos of my friends.

reason being that insyaAllah, i want to be a better muslim.

to begin with, i have no reasons or excuses to not wear hijab.
i was drowned in the world of hedonism.
YA ALLAH, forgive me.

regardless of everything, if i were to list down all my sins and wrongdoings to GOD and to humans, i won't sleep. ever. trust me.

honestly speaking, i wasn't happy with life generally.
why?
if you were to ask me back then, i won't know what to say.
but now, it's crystal clear.

i never appreciated what i have. especially the people around me.

i realized that the moment i start appreciating the people and the things i have, i became happier.

i forgot that while i'm busy chasing the things and the people i want, i forget the things and the people i need that are always there for me.

i was blinded by the sweet lies of the dunya. astghfirullahalazim.

i hope that 2012, will be the year i am fully transformed as a better muslim. insyaAllah.

eventhough it's almost the end of january, i never find it's too late to have new year's resolutions.

p.s. though i prefer to have my new year's resolutions AFTER i get my SPM result which is confirmed on the 22nd of march 2012. 9A+. insyaAllah. Amin.

ok. bye