I watched the break up scene of Rachel and Finn several times because whoever wrote that script is a genius. Every word Rachel said was so raw, so true that it hit me multiple times.
Glee Season 4, and this particular episode which was The Break Up episode (episode 4) where everybody broke up and went to different directions just spoke to me.
Rachel's break up scene was the pint-point of a lame and mundane realization for me.
I felt how she felt.
I didn't cry. But I felt it. If I were to express myself on how complicated my feelings have become and how twisted my thoughts have intertwined, I wouldn't write or say my feelings and thoughts any differently from what Rachel had done (well maybe omitting the part about being in glee club or new york, yeah, you know, you get the drift.)
This is sort of a very personal post for me.
I'm heart broken, and I chose this particular break up scene because it's an angry break up and yes, I'm mostly angry now rather than sad. So here are some parts that I really like:
part 1:
Finn: I just needed time to think.
Rachel: You had four months. I hated you for what you did to me at that train station.
Finn: I was trying to help you.
Rachel: I hated you. And then when I got to New York, I thought how much you love me. And how hard that must have been for you. And I thought this...this is what a man looks like. This is how a man loves. But you, not telling me where you were for four months, and sneaking out before sunrise in the middle of the night without saying goodbye, that is not being a man, Finn.
part 2:
Finn: I was trying to give you your freedom.
Rachel: I don't need you to give me my freedom. I am a grown woman. I don't need you to hide from me to keep me from doing what is right for me.
part 3:
Finn: Who am I? I barely even graduated high school and my life has absolutely no direction.
Rachel: Don't you get it? No matter how rich, or famous, or successful I become, when it comes to you, I'm always going to be that moon-eyed girl who freaked you out at a first glee rehearsal. You are the first boy who made me feel loved, and sexy, and visible. You are my first love. And I want more than anything for you to be my last.
I just wanted to write something. Something that reflects more of myself in reality rather than just my imaginations going wild.
Despite all the pain and bullshits people give me, I don't take them personally or make a huge deal out of them. That's me.
But this particular pain however just activated all my stimuli - that, in turn, augmented more pain.
Crappy feeling isn't it?
p.s. no, I'm not in a relationship.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
"weh.." ali tegur abu.
"apa?" abu jawab tanpa menoleh ke arah ali. dia tengah sibuk menjawab soalan 'killer' sir lim. add maths merupakan subjek yang dia paling benci.
"weh...." ali merengek. menarik-narik baju kemeja biru abu.
"ish. amenda kau ni? buat laa kerja kau tu." abu dengus. dia menggaru-garu kepala sambil memadam jalan kerjanya yang agak panjang. salah lagi, dah lima kali aku padam. abu monolog dalaman.
"weh... abu..." ali merengek lagi.
abu menghempas perlahan penselnya, pura-pura marah (walaupun memang marah dalam hati) dan menoleh ke arah ali. "apa? kau nak apa? susu?"
"lawak laa kau ni." ali ketawa kecil.
"gedik. yelaa, dok merengek macam adik aku. at least adik aku tu kalau merengek sebab dia nak aku buatkan susu. kau nak apa pulak?"
"aku nak tanya ni..."
"haa, tanya laa."
"kau pernah tak..." ali berhenti untuk beberapa saat. penantian merupakan satu penyeksaan bagi abu.
"ya Allah, aku pernah apa? cepatlaa sikit tanya tu." abu tinggikan suara sambil mencapai penselnya semula. aku takda masa nak layan ali ni. tahulaa dah pandai add maths, jangan laa sengaja kacau aku tengah tekun ni.
"kau pernah tak ada rasa cinta kat aku?" ali tanya sambil menguil-nguil meja kayu yang digunakan untuk membuat kerja rumah dan makan.
abu berhenti menulis dan memandang ke arah ali yang menundukkan kepalanya. malu, mungkin? "haa? apa kau merepek ni?"
"yelaa, aku kita kan dah duduk sama-sama lebih 17 tahun. takkan kau tak pernah rasa cinta kat aku..."
"woi. dosa kau tahu. aku bukan gay!"
"aku pun bukan. ok, jangan laa marah. aku tanya je."
"macam-macam laa kau ni ali." abu menggeleng kepala dan gelak kecil.
"habis, kau cinta siapa?" ali tanya.
"ali, buat laa addmaths tu. walaupun kau dah pandai."
"kau cinta siapa abu? cakap laa."
"takda siapa."
"tipu."
"Tuhan. aku cinta Tuhan."
"alaa kau ni."
"anak mak ton." abu cakap selamba.
ali mencangkung atas kerusinya, "anak mak ton bu? mana satu? ada 5 orang."
"yang mana lagi ali oi? kan aku kata aku tak gay, anak mak ton ada sorang je yang perempuan."
"eh dua laa."
"eh satu laa."
"dua. yang lagi satu tu, yang mak nyah tu." ali gelak terbahak-bahak.
"tak baik kau cakap macam tu ali."
"eh betullah. semua orang kampung cakap dia mak nyah kan? pakai make-up laa. geli aku tengok."
"aku cinta jannah laa. anak mak ton yang last tu." muka abu merah.
"oh...." ali menghembus panjang.
"hello everybody!" bakar rakan baik abu dan ali serbu masuk rumah abu secara tiba-tiba.
"oi bakar, tak reti nak ketuk pintu ke?!" ali tergus dengan nada marah. "kau tu dah laa gemuk. masuk rumah orang main redah je. gegar rumah abu ni."
"jahatnya kau ni ali." air mata bakar mula mengalir.
"ish ali, kau ni. bakar tu kan sensitif. alaa bakar, ali ni gurau je. hai bakar. jemputlah duduk. tolong kitaorang buat addmaths." abu senyum ke arah bakar yang sedang menangis. bakar memang berbadan besar. terlalu besar untuk umur 17 tahun. sebab dia suka makan. suka gila.
"aku dah siap dah addmaths tu." bakar kata sambil mengelap air matanya. dia duduk sebelah abu.
"kalau macam tu, tolong aku selesaikan soalan 6 ni. ali pun tak tahu macam mana nak buat."
ha ha ha.
semua yang di atas sebenarnya berlaku dalam otak aku.
aku atan. dan sekarang, aku tengah buat peperiksaan addmaths. peperiksaan akhir tahun.
aku buntu dekat soalan 6.
jadi aku buat laa cerita dalam otak aku ni. dengan harapan dapat inspirasi.
ha ha ha. takpa. lama lagi sebelum masa tamat.
ha ha ha
lama lagi.
ha ha ha
"OK semua, masa sudah tamat. sila berhenti menulis dan 'pass' kertas jawapan anda kehadapan."
eh, celaka.
"weh...." ali merengek. menarik-narik baju kemeja biru abu.
"ish. amenda kau ni? buat laa kerja kau tu." abu dengus. dia menggaru-garu kepala sambil memadam jalan kerjanya yang agak panjang. salah lagi, dah lima kali aku padam. abu monolog dalaman.
"weh... abu..." ali merengek lagi.
abu menghempas perlahan penselnya, pura-pura marah (walaupun memang marah dalam hati) dan menoleh ke arah ali. "apa? kau nak apa? susu?"
"lawak laa kau ni." ali ketawa kecil.
"gedik. yelaa, dok merengek macam adik aku. at least adik aku tu kalau merengek sebab dia nak aku buatkan susu. kau nak apa pulak?"
"aku nak tanya ni..."
"haa, tanya laa."
"kau pernah tak..." ali berhenti untuk beberapa saat. penantian merupakan satu penyeksaan bagi abu.
"ya Allah, aku pernah apa? cepatlaa sikit tanya tu." abu tinggikan suara sambil mencapai penselnya semula. aku takda masa nak layan ali ni. tahulaa dah pandai add maths, jangan laa sengaja kacau aku tengah tekun ni.
"kau pernah tak ada rasa cinta kat aku?" ali tanya sambil menguil-nguil meja kayu yang digunakan untuk membuat kerja rumah dan makan.
abu berhenti menulis dan memandang ke arah ali yang menundukkan kepalanya. malu, mungkin? "haa? apa kau merepek ni?"
"yelaa, aku kita kan dah duduk sama-sama lebih 17 tahun. takkan kau tak pernah rasa cinta kat aku..."
"woi. dosa kau tahu. aku bukan gay!"
"aku pun bukan. ok, jangan laa marah. aku tanya je."
"macam-macam laa kau ni ali." abu menggeleng kepala dan gelak kecil.
"habis, kau cinta siapa?" ali tanya.
"ali, buat laa addmaths tu. walaupun kau dah pandai."
"kau cinta siapa abu? cakap laa."
"takda siapa."
"tipu."
"Tuhan. aku cinta Tuhan."
"alaa kau ni."
"anak mak ton." abu cakap selamba.
ali mencangkung atas kerusinya, "anak mak ton bu? mana satu? ada 5 orang."
"yang mana lagi ali oi? kan aku kata aku tak gay, anak mak ton ada sorang je yang perempuan."
"eh dua laa."
"eh satu laa."
"dua. yang lagi satu tu, yang mak nyah tu." ali gelak terbahak-bahak.
"tak baik kau cakap macam tu ali."
"eh betullah. semua orang kampung cakap dia mak nyah kan? pakai make-up laa. geli aku tengok."
"aku cinta jannah laa. anak mak ton yang last tu." muka abu merah.
"oh...." ali menghembus panjang.
"hello everybody!" bakar rakan baik abu dan ali serbu masuk rumah abu secara tiba-tiba.
"oi bakar, tak reti nak ketuk pintu ke?!" ali tergus dengan nada marah. "kau tu dah laa gemuk. masuk rumah orang main redah je. gegar rumah abu ni."
"jahatnya kau ni ali." air mata bakar mula mengalir.
"ish ali, kau ni. bakar tu kan sensitif. alaa bakar, ali ni gurau je. hai bakar. jemputlah duduk. tolong kitaorang buat addmaths." abu senyum ke arah bakar yang sedang menangis. bakar memang berbadan besar. terlalu besar untuk umur 17 tahun. sebab dia suka makan. suka gila.
"aku dah siap dah addmaths tu." bakar kata sambil mengelap air matanya. dia duduk sebelah abu.
"kalau macam tu, tolong aku selesaikan soalan 6 ni. ali pun tak tahu macam mana nak buat."
ha ha ha.
semua yang di atas sebenarnya berlaku dalam otak aku.
aku atan. dan sekarang, aku tengah buat peperiksaan addmaths. peperiksaan akhir tahun.
aku buntu dekat soalan 6.
jadi aku buat laa cerita dalam otak aku ni. dengan harapan dapat inspirasi.
ha ha ha. takpa. lama lagi sebelum masa tamat.
ha ha ha
lama lagi.
ha ha ha
"OK semua, masa sudah tamat. sila berhenti menulis dan 'pass' kertas jawapan anda kehadapan."
eh, celaka.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Unsettling
Assalamualaikum.
Where do I even begin?
Ya Allah...
Where do I even start?
I tell myself, each and everyday that I should be a better muslim.
I should be reciting the Quran after my prayers.
Do extra prayers.
I tell myself that each and everyday. Every late morning.
But where do I stand?
No where near what I've intended to do that morning. Or the night before.
When a day draws to an end, and I'm not doing what I've promised/asked myself to do constantly, I tell myself that it's OK. That tomorrow will come or may come and I have time to redeem myself. And besides, those are not obligated actions. Just extras.
Extras...
Extras...
And I go to bed with shame. With hopes that Allah still protects me from harm though I've sinned so much.
Have you ever felt that feeling?
The feeling of hollowness and emptiness and sadness and weariness?
Eventhough you think your actions to be closer to or to mend your relationship with Allah are enough?
Though you're aware they're not that sufficient.
Ah... how do I even put my jumbled thoughts and feelings into words?
No. No.
NO.
Nothing is enough.
For so long I've left the Holy Quran untouched.
For so long I've left my hands not lifted to do my extra prayers.
For so long I've left my heart not intended to do my extra prayers.
For so long I've left my eyes dry from asking Allah for forgiveness.
For so long I've left my lips dry from repeating His Greatness and His Blessings to me.
I envy those who think of Him all the time when I sometimes lost track of what I am worth and desire the lies the dunya is spreading.
Doing something else to satisfy my lusts. To quench my thirst for the dunya.
Ya Allah, the shame I feel.
No no more.
I will not let myself feel this anymore.
For He is always there, watching over me, blessing me, loving me endlessly.
In shaa Allah, I will start again and be constant in doing my duties to be closer to Allah s.w.t and always missing and remembering Rasulullah s.a.w.
I want to feel happy again. I want to feel happy because I am not just blessed with a good life but also because I feel closer to Him. Closer than I've ever felt before.
Yes.
That's the best way to live.
Where do I even begin?
Ya Allah...
Where do I even start?
I tell myself, each and everyday that I should be a better muslim.
I should be reciting the Quran after my prayers.
Do extra prayers.
I tell myself that each and everyday. Every late morning.
But where do I stand?
No where near what I've intended to do that morning. Or the night before.
When a day draws to an end, and I'm not doing what I've promised/asked myself to do constantly, I tell myself that it's OK. That tomorrow will come or may come and I have time to redeem myself. And besides, those are not obligated actions. Just extras.
Extras...
Extras...
And I go to bed with shame. With hopes that Allah still protects me from harm though I've sinned so much.
Have you ever felt that feeling?
The feeling of hollowness and emptiness and sadness and weariness?
Eventhough you think your actions to be closer to or to mend your relationship with Allah are enough?
Though you're aware they're not that sufficient.
Ah... how do I even put my jumbled thoughts and feelings into words?
No. No.
NO.
Nothing is enough.
For so long I've left the Holy Quran untouched.
For so long I've left my hands not lifted to do my extra prayers.
For so long I've left my heart not intended to do my extra prayers.
For so long I've left my eyes dry from asking Allah for forgiveness.
For so long I've left my lips dry from repeating His Greatness and His Blessings to me.
I envy those who think of Him all the time when I sometimes lost track of what I am worth and desire the lies the dunya is spreading.
Doing something else to satisfy my lusts. To quench my thirst for the dunya.
Ya Allah, the shame I feel.
No no more.
I will not let myself feel this anymore.
For He is always there, watching over me, blessing me, loving me endlessly.
In shaa Allah, I will start again and be constant in doing my duties to be closer to Allah s.w.t and always missing and remembering Rasulullah s.a.w.
I want to feel happy again. I want to feel happy because I am not just blessed with a good life but also because I feel closer to Him. Closer than I've ever felt before.
Yes.
That's the best way to live.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
14th Jan 2013
TF.
2.30 - 5.00 pm.
black shirt.
blue faded jeans.
talk.
past. future. present.
chocolates. keychains.
photos.
after all those years,
you still drive me crazy.
2.30 - 5.00 pm.
black shirt.
blue faded jeans.
talk.
past. future. present.
chocolates. keychains.
photos.
after all those years,
you still drive me crazy.