You want..

to fly away because life is being too difficult.
to cry because you have had enough holding back those tears.
to shout because you're sick being unheard.
to break people's hearts because they had broken yours so many times.
to find a remedy to this long crazy infection.
to mend the open wounds inside your heart.
to fill in the gaps of your long lost memories.
to forget the bad influences you had.
to end your previous life and start fresh.
to search for a new beginning.
to enjoy being human as long as possible.
to control that unstable emotions of yours.
to believe in fate.
to have a faith.
to make your dreams come true.
to meet good people.
to learn about love and life.
to think wisely for a change.
to make this world a better place.
to stand on your own two feet.
to be cared and loved by someone.
to feel what it is like to be in love.
to accept the fact that life isn't as easy as it seems.
to embrace your flaws instead of fighting it.
to deal with problems in the future.
to say something intelligent.
to create a legendary creation.
to be famous.
to tell the truth.
to stop lying.
to spark a new miracle.
to extinguish false pretenses.

I can see it in your eyes. You are longing for something impossible.
Basically, I know you better than you know yourself.

He is my best friend.

It wasn't long for me to understand his pain. It was clear and pure. He would grip my hand and clasp his other palm on his chest. I would stand still and sometimes hold him on his position as I watched him gasping. The pain would only last about 5 minutes the most. Then he would slowly loosen his grip and inhale naturally. He would smile and I returned back with a weak reply. I am his stand when he is out of breath.

He's been a friend as long as I could remember. Someone dearly to me. Someone so special. Not in a girlfriend or boyfriend way. It's more to a son or a brother way. I love him so much. He means everything to me. He's the one who will sit patiently beside me and listen to my ridiculous ramblings. He's the one who will gladly (or reluctantly) volunteer to taste my poisonous cooking. He's the one who will lend me his shoulder for me to cry when I just broke up with a guy. He’s the one who will buy me presents on Christmas, Birthday, Thanks Giving, Easter, Halloween; you name it. He’s the one who will let me copy him in tests even though he knows he’ll get 200 days of detentions. He’s the one who will help me with my homework and sleepover night just to keep me company. He is everything that even a superman can’t beat.

He always says that I am everything to him too. His best friend. His soul mate. And yet he’s the one who does everything for me.

Though we love each other, the romantic feeling never sparks between us. Not even one second. Because we knew better. Even when we were kids that we might be best friends but we couldn’t make each other happy to be lovers. And we knew back then and we know now that we will live as best friends and die as best friends.

His family, my family and I are the only people who know about his deadly sickness. His heart is weak since he was a baby. He has difficulties in breathing and doing extreme things. He can’t be too excited or be too devastated because his heart might not be able to withstand such emotions. Though it was heart for all of us to keep his emotions steady, it was never impossible to do so. He makes it simple for us and for himself as well. He’s such a saint. He’s never a devil even for a minute. I miss him dearly.

Though we have finished high school and go to different colleges, we still keep in touch with each other. I call him every night and we meet once or maybe twice a week. We talk, we laugh, we have lunch together. It’s hard not having him close to me. Because I always look for a shoulder to cry on, and I don’t want anyone else’s but his. I always look for someone to taste my cooking and I want him to be the first. I always look for someone to hear me ramble about everyday’s nonsense and he has the ears for it. I miss being close to him. I miss being able to always hold his hand and hear him whisper, “I’ll catch you when you fall, I be there when you need me, I’ll stand by you and the sky is the limit .” He’s a true friend. I can picture his eyes twinkling and smiling, his laugh and his gestures.

He is my shoulder to cry on, my food taster and my ears while I am his stand for him to hold on when he’s out of breath.

A FATHER..

A father defines a man of wisdom,
Soft and tender,
Yet strict and severe.

A father is not born,
But a man that develops,
A man that has no knowledge of guidance,
But a man that learns and discovers new ways to teach his children,
The future generation.

A father is God's finest creation,
Given to children for reference,
Being the role model for the future,
Being the survivor of the past.

A father is filled with love,
Laughable jokes and stories,
Perception that remedies,
Knowledge that educates.

A father is every man should be,
Looked up too and loved by all,
Respected and living tall,
Most adored and with great value.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

p.s. something I wrote for Mr. Rozali. HEH

This Is Me..

I move with my own beat. That will knock you of yer feet.
I say something irrational. It will somehow be sensational.
I shout out 'Stupid'. Wishing for a cupid.
I drive people crazy. Until they go dizzy.
I dance under the moonlight. Until the sun shines so bright.
I laugh so much. Yearning for a soft touch.
I cry easily. Sometimes I go crazy.
I break things. Without thinking.
I slap you on the cheek. Because you make me sick.
I blame people for my mistakes. To save my sorry ass, fer God's sake!
I lick my nose. And sometimes my toes.
I bite a pillow. While looking out a window.
I turn the music out loud. To make the artists proud.
I believe in weird creatures. Basically because I'm immature.

There are more hidden side of me. That you couldn't see.
These are to name a few. I hope I've given you a clue.
About who I am now and in the future. Only my friends can understand that's fer sure.


xoxo,
Izzy Rozali.

In my fantasy,
I can see,
You and me,
Up in the tree,
Sitting closely,
Talking freely,
Smiling happily,
Laughing hysterically,
Fingers intertwine,
Like the vines.
I know it's lame,
But it's not a game,
I can picture it clearly,
You and me,
Being together,
Holding each other,
and maybe one day,
You will say,
"I love you,"
I'll reply,
With a smile,
"I love you too."
Though it's a long shot,
But the thoughts,
Will definitely stay,
Until the day,
I'm with you,
And my childish dream comes true.

Humans...

They are destructible.
They are selfish.
They are ignorant.
They are thick-headed.
They are pathetic.
They are common.
They are stubborn.
They are annoying.
They are brainless at times.
They are heartless.
They are emotional.
They are superstitious.
They are imaginative.
They are destroyers.
They are crazy.
They are lunatics.
They are goofy.
They are unpredictable.
They are cruel.
They are hypocrites.
They are imprudent.
They are ugly.
They are dirty.
They are filthy.
They are greedy.
They are unfaithful.
They are faithless.
They are liars.
They are terrorists.
They are innocent.
They are naive.
They are premature.
They are believers.

They are God's finest creations.
Judge them from the inside not out.

Dear Friend,

I miss you. What more can I say but those three little words? To be frank, I don't want to write you this letter. Because I know, it'll hurt you more than it'll hurt me. No, honestly, it hurts me more. I don't know why, but I just need to write. I haven't wrote anything to you for awhile now. It's not because I don't want to (well partially) it's because I don't have the heart to. It's been years since it happened, but I can't seem to let it go. It still huddles inside me. Inside my now-fragile-heart, my brain, my memories and my eyes. Sometimes at night I reminisced our bitter-sweet friendship.

It hurt. And it still does.
Do you remember the tree we always go after choir everyday? Yeah the big old oak tree that you loved so much. We used to lay down side by side, holding hands and just let the breeze passed by. I miss that, I like that. Our mothers used to search for us when we suddenly fell asleep under that tree.

Well, I'm writing under it right now. I'm sorry. But I broke our promise. You said not to cry. Not ever. But I can't. I can't control myself. This supposed to make me feel better, but writing you this makes me cry even harder than the days that I've cried before. The trees are waving with the wind rhythmically saying that you are alright, you are safe and that you miss me.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

My mum won't let me come here anymore. But I sneaked out of the house and drove all the way. Yeah, I can drive. It's weird isn't it? I'll be taking my SAT this year. You and me supposed to take it this year. Remember how we used to talk about getting our first car, first kiss, first love, first everything? You used to say that if I ever get a boyfriend, that I should ask your permission. Do you remember that? We used to laugh at each other for thinking so far. But it's been 7 years. We were ten. We didn't know any better. And now, I am 17 and you are still 14. It hurts that I didn't get to tell you about my first kiss, first boyfriend and car in real life. Where I can see you smile and laugh. Where I can see you mocking me about how my braces will get stuck to someone's mouth if I kiss him. You used to say that. I wanted to ask your permission for my new boyfriend. His name is Jake. He's nice. I know you'll like him. We've been together for 3 years now. My parents love him.

I can still remember how we used to sit inside the hospital room when you were sick. We were 13. I didn't know back then that it was that serious. Because you looked so healthy, so happy. I thought you would someday get out of the hospital and come back to school. I remember the time where we looked outside the window, watching all the leaves fell to the ground until the last one. It was magnificent. Beautiful. Your eyes glinted and your smile was so broad. You were happy. But behind those happiness, you were suffering. Little did I know that, that was the last autumn we could spend together. If I knew earlier, I would have taken your picture.

Though they shaved off your hair, you still looked beautiful to me. My mother said that you got sicker and your hair would just be a burden. So they shaved 'em off. My mother refused to tell me what was your sickness. She said I shouldn't know. I still have the photo albums we made when you were in the hospital. I keep them safely in my drawer.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Why GOD took you away so suddenly? I kept on questioning it. I didn't get a chance to say a proper goodbye. I didn't get a chance to kiss you goodnight forever. It's like I'm mad at you. It's crazy.

But you are gone. And that's all there is to it. The support team for cancer's victim's family and friends doesn't help. I don't understand why you have to go in such a tender age? 90% of the victims survived. I miss you.

I can't find our diary. The diary that we both wrote about our lives. I still have the keys to it. But your mother moved houses, and the diary got lost in the process of moving. It's a pity, I would love to read our entries that we did.

I've been keeping the keys for years. I have two of 'em. Yours and mine. I've made mine into a locket. While yours I've kept it in a small box. I didn't know what to do with it, but now I do. I dug a small whole under the tree and buried it safely underground where I can always come and remember you here.

While this letter I will bury it with the key later, but for now, I'll keep it close to my heart.
I love you. Missing you always.

Love forever,
Your dearest friend.

I HATE YOU.

I know I shouldn't, but I do.
You never understand me.
I'm not like you.
I'm not a kid that you were.
I know my duties, and I'll do it.
I don't need you telling me what's wrong and what's right.
I don't need you to be with me.
I don't need you to talk me in to things.
I don't need you to give me your love which you never even give me.
I don't need you to tuck me at night.
I BASICALLY DON'T NEED YOU.
I HATE YOU.
God forgive me for I have sins; but sometimes I wish you are dead.
I wish that you are no one to me.
I wish that you would just vanish.
I'm sorry.
YA ALLAH, please rinse this awful feeling and sin.
I know I shouldn't think let alone wish it.
But I do feel it. And I don't wish to hide it anymore.
I HATE YOU, from the bottom of my heart. I really do.

She has cracked..

She takes a deep breath and slumps on the floor.
Her head tilts back resting against the door. She can still hear the sound and racking outside.
Crashing, shouting, cursing. Everything mashes together.
Her legs can barely move, her eyes are collecting clear water.
Don't you dare cry, she tells herself. Holding back a sob.
She clasps a hand over her chest as if it'll help to ease of the pain in her heart.
"DON'T YOU GODDAMAN DARE CRY!" She shouts out loud.
It's too late. Her fragile heart can't take it. She has cracked.
I've been so strong for the past years, why I'm falling apart now? She moans.
Her tears pour down like a fountain. She tries to inhale more air. Her body agonies for more oxygen. Her chest moves up and down uncontrollably.
She sniffs and closes her face with her hands, "God, give me strength."
She closes her eyes and prays.
"God, end this agony. End this nightmare. I am your humble slave, please I beg for you mercy." As she mumbles her silent prayer, she feels her head spinning lightly. Her tongue and throat feel dry. She licks her chapped lips and swallows. She crawls on to the bed and rests her head on the warm pillow. She curls her body tight to herself and continues her prayer.
"God, end this agony. End this nightmare."
As she slowly rest her body and mind, she can hear no more of the horrible sound outside her door. She tries to sit up but her body won't let her. She rolls on her back and stares up the ceiling.
"God, end this agony. End this nightmare."
Before she knows it, she has fallen to a deep unconsciousness.