Unsettling

Assalamualaikum.

Where do I even begin?

Ya Allah...

Where do I even start?

I tell myself, each and everyday that I should be a better muslim.
I should be reciting the Quran after my prayers.
Do extra prayers.


I tell myself that each and everyday. Every late morning.
But where do I stand?
No where near what I've intended to do that morning. Or the night before.

When a day draws to an end, and I'm not doing what I've promised/asked myself to do constantly, I tell myself that it's OK. That tomorrow will come or may come and I have time to redeem myself. And besides, those are not obligated actions. Just extras.

Extras...
Extras...

And I go to bed with shame. With hopes that Allah still protects me from harm though I've sinned so much.

Have you ever felt that feeling?
The feeling of hollowness and emptiness and sadness and weariness?
Eventhough you think your actions to be closer to or to mend your relationship with Allah are enough?
Though you're aware they're not that sufficient.

Ah... how do I even put my jumbled thoughts and feelings into words?

No. No.
NO.

Nothing is enough.

For so long I've left the Holy Quran untouched.
For so long I've left my hands not lifted to do my extra prayers.
For so long I've left my heart not intended to do my extra prayers.
For so long I've left my eyes dry from asking Allah for forgiveness.
For so long I've left my lips dry from repeating His Greatness and His Blessings to me.


I envy those who think of Him all the time when I sometimes lost track of what I am worth and desire the lies the dunya is spreading.
Doing something else to satisfy my lusts. To quench my thirst for the dunya.

Ya Allah, the shame I feel.


No no more.
I will not let myself feel this anymore.

For He is always there, watching over me, blessing me, loving me endlessly.

In shaa Allah, I will start again and be constant in doing my duties to be closer to Allah s.w.t and always missing  and remembering Rasulullah s.a.w.

I want to feel happy again. I want to feel happy because I am not just blessed with a good life but also because I feel closer to Him. Closer than I've ever felt before.

Yes.
That's the best way to live.

14th Jan 2013

TF.
2.30 - 5.00 pm.
black shirt.
blue faded jeans.
talk.
past. future. present.
chocolates. keychains.
photos.













after all those years,
you still drive me crazy.