dont be that person,

who keeps lying to herself,

that it was okay.

dont be that person,

who keeps one eye close,

blinding herself from the truth.

dont be that person,

who loses everything she's been working hard to get.

dont be that person,

who makes others worry for her,

who keeps her friends and her family trembling,

fearing for her safety.

dont be that person,

who ruins the name of the religion.

dont be that person,

who Allah will resent and Syaitan will adore.

dont be that person,

who puts lust and desire first,

before her sane and logical mind.

dont be that person,

who doesnt believe in Allah's better plans in the future for her.

dont be that person,

who loves the dunya more than the divine's eternal love and the sweet success of the hereafter.

dont be that person,

who hides behind that hijab and hours of Quran recitations,

yet the heart is dark, twisted and sinful.

dont be a hypocrite. 

dont be that person.

please.

just,

dont.

your absence...

made me realized,
nothing lasts forever,
nothing is always what it seems,
though i know these,
i didnt think they apply to reality that much,
because looking back,
you looked contented,
not happy, no,
just contented.

the way you took everything in,
i didnt see you cry,
you were moody, yes,
but you werent crying.

but now,
you're not here,
my verdict proved me otherwise.

i heard,
you were haunted by the past,
you were so afraid you'll slip off again,
"possibilities are there,
but dont forget the impossibles as well" she said,
but your efforts i tell you,
are well wasted my friend.

i thought i could read you like an open book,
but clearly i was wrong,
i thought you passed that phase,
but clearly you didnt.

you triggered a certain thought in everybody's mind,
you make us doubt,
you make us question until today.

i dont know what to feel,
am i angry?
yes.
am i sad?
yes.

i guess i shouldnt blame you,
because frankly,
i thought of the same move.

but i was too scared to execute it,
you beat me to it.

i guess that's what i really feel right now,
defeated

and
maybe,
a pinch,
of

regret.

setakat kau, hah!

jangan cari pasal dengan permaisuri harimau betina yang dah lama hidup dalam hutan belantara.
kau ingat senang nak jadi permaisuri dalam hutan tu?
berapa banyak pesaing yang dia dah hapuskan.
setakat kau.
yang hanya tahu berlagak.
hidup sentiasa senang.
tak faham erti hidup susah.
tak faham nilai duit.
takda sifat empati, simpati.
kaulah manusia yang paling senang untuk dihapuskan.
dengan perangai kau yang macam....
entahlaa, macam rasanya, iblis pun tercabar.
kau rasa kau hebat?
nampak sangat akal kau dangkal.
cetek.
kesian..


sangat kesian.

tambahan pula,
nak cabar permaisuri harimau betina tu.
aih, kalau taknak guna akal pun kan,
gunalaa 'common sense'.
sedangkan binatang pun ada,
takkan kau yang sempurna dicipta takda?


terasa?
bagus.
biar kau sedar, kalau tak banyak pun, sikit, bahawa dunia ni luas.
kalau kau rasa kat kampung tu kaulah hebat memancing,
jangan terkejut bila datang sini,
seorang yang lebih mulia daripada kau sejuta kali lagi hebat.

realiti.
nak buat macam mana kan?

sekarang...

assalamualaikum wbt kepada pembaca (kalau ada).

mungkin kalau diteliti, aku jarang 'update' blog menceritakan tentang kisah hidup aku. bukan sebab aku ni orang yang kuat berahsia, aku cuma manusia biasa. aku kurang bersosial di luar. hanya di sesawang internet sahaja. aku ada ramai rakan baik disekeliling aku yang penuh drama dan lawak jenaka yang mungkin kalau korang nak faham, agak susah. oleh sebab itu, kebanyakkan pos di blog ini ditulis berdasarkan imaginasi aku sendiri.

apa-apa pun, pos kali ini aku tekad untuk cerita secara rawak apa yang sedang menyelubungi kotak fikiran aku sekarang. sedang aku menulis pos ini, aku berada di dalam bilik diskusi perpustakaan kolejku. tujuan aku berada disini adalah untuk menyiapkan kertas kerja subjek 'malaysian studies' bersama rakan sekumpulan. kami berempat menghadap topik 'Malaysia Negara Islam: Satu Analisis' dengan mata yang kuyu dan otak yang hampir putus fius untuk minggu ini. mana tidaknya, bersengkang mata di depan komputer riba hampir seminggu lebih mencari informasi mengenai 'lab report chemistry' yang tiada penghujungnya. letih. sangat letih. kerja-kerja di kolej merupakan beban yang berat untuk aku.

OK, terlari daripada target pos ini pula. maaf. seperti yang aku tulis di atas, diskusi kami sepatutnya merupakan lontaran idea lima orang budak tajaan mara. sayang, seribu kali sayang, cuma tinggal empat orang sahaja. seorang lagi di mana? dia sudah pindah. sedih. sangat sedih. aku akan merindui karismanya, kecekapannya, kecomelannya dan keikhlasannya membantu. namun, setiap pertemuan pasti ada perpisahan, kalau bukan oleh pemergian secara kekal, mungkin pemergian secara visual sahaja. insyaAllah aku akan cuba sentiasa hubungi kau wahai rakan. dua orang budak tajaan mara telah meninggalkan kami. terkapai-kapai tanpa kehadiran mereka.

seterusnya, aku sebenarnya bukanlaa tertekan/stress dengan kerja yang bertimbun malah aku rasa macam seorang remaja yang semakin matang. tapi, yelakan, bila badan dah mula tak ikut sistem yang sepatutnya, aku mula merungut. otak dah letih, badan dan sengal-sengal, mata semakin berat. dugaan hidup. memang dugaan. tambah-tambah dengan katil yang empuk dan godaan internet yang tiada kesudahannya.

aku masuk kolej sejak awal bulan satu lagi. jadi aku tidak merasa 3 bulan cuti tu. nak cakap menyesal, ada laa jugak, tetapi ini jalan yang telah aku pilih. kena pandai hadapilaa kan?

jujur aku ngaku, 'foundation in science' di KBU ini agak mencabar kapasiti fizikal, mental dan emosional aku. kalau tidak dengan kerja kursus yang bertimbun, pasti aku akan dibebankan dengan 'quiz' dan 'test', kalau tidak pun, 'lab report' serta 'presentation'. tambahan pula, untuk masuk IMU tahun hadapan, CGPA aku kena 3.50 keatas disertakan dengan temuduga kemasukkan. ini belum budak jurusan doktor lagi ni, baru ASASI dah tak cukup tanah aku buat kerja. perghhhh....

mengucap panjang aku.

walaubagaimanapun, aku semakin hampir dengan pengakhiran sem 2 aku. memang gelabah dah otak aku ni memikirkan ujian besar subjek-subjek payah FIS ni.

dan aku akan menjalani MUET pada bulan julai dan IELTS pada bulan november.

wow, panjang jugak pos kali ini. oleh itu, aku ingin mengundur diri dahulu.

xx.

finn

"life must go on. challenges will make you grow stronger and wiser." 

the looks on everyone's faces seem to be getting on my nerves. i can feel their stares piercing through the back of my head and spine. though they're whispering, i can surprisingly hear their every word.

why is he still here?
he got guts.
oh god, i cant stand the sight of him.
poor dude.
ok, dont stand to close. he might strike.

though im the type who rarely get mad, but right now, im starting to feel my blood boiling. i usually dont give a damn to what people say because they rarely talk about me. but since i am now the center of attention, i now understand why some people become self-conscious over their actions. every receptor in my body tingles sending stimuli to my brain asking me to walk faster and to disappear from the suffocating hallway. i pull my hood up and stuff my hands in my jeans pockets. i gain speed and keep my head down trying to so-called blend in. it's actually really hard to miss me, im almost 6 feet 2, lean with quite tight muscles. i've been doing a lot of sports while i was confined. i stick out like a sore thumb. the students move aside letting me pass and are very careful not to touch me or even make any eye-contact with me.
as if im contagious.
as if im an alien.
as if im the reason of all the bad things in this world.
"maybe you should stay home," mum said over the counter this morning. "you know, until everything cools down a bit."
"im ok. i have chemistry test today," i said spooning a spoonful of cereal and stuffed in my mouth.
"it can wait," she sighed.
"it cant." exasperated by her negativity, i stood up and walked over to the sink to wash my bowl.
"i'm going," i didnt look at her and went straight to the front door.
"ok, stay safe," she tiredly called out.
i lied of course. it's the start of the second semester. tests are miles away. i just wanted to get out of the house. i'd choke to death if i were to stay in the pigeon hole for another whole day. i've always love early may's whether. warm and humid.
i cycled as fast as i could trying to leave my worries behind. though the wind was genuinely refreshing, my thoughts still clustered with so many possibilities. i dont want to go to school, but i dont want to stay home either. going somewhere else will just rage my father's already bad temper.
ok, man up finn, just one day. bare through it. maybe everybody has forgotten.
jyeah, and santa claus exits. i countered myself.
yes, im that pathetic.
the more i think about how pathetic and sickening my life has become, the more i feel like punching someone in his face. and right now, there's only one person i could think of. jack lynch. you son of a b...
i am cut short when something hit me hard straight in the face. my nose bleeds.
"dude, my bad," jack lynch snorts as he takes back the basketball that hit me on the floor "you should watch where you put your face man," he snickers. speaking of the devil. nobody dares to laugh. the hallway becomes dead silent. our eyes lock. this situation may look like a bad cowboy movie. if only i could drive my fist up his chin. pull out a few teeth, i'd be a happy man today. but i am not going to let this freakshow turns me into a green monster yet again. because of him, my reputation is scarred.
calm down finn. he's just screwing with you. he's a nutcase. i console myself. dont kill him.
i slowly breathe in and out straining myself from tackling him down to the floor.
you'll kill him you. you know that. my conscience reminds me.
i pull a tight smile, "s'okay," and walk pass him. if only i could just inflict a figment of my pain on him, i bet he would beg to just end his life right then and there. and the world would be so much better without him.
"you're a monster, finn. you should just kill yourself," he calls out to me. i don't look back. i can't look back. if i do, i'd gnaw his head off.
walk away finn, walk away. 
i am not sure what are the reactions on everybody's faces. i am fast-walking trying to blur out the images of their stares and go straight to the boy's restroom. when i enter, 3 awkward teenage boys are smoking and they stop talking when they see me. one of them is ogling me like i'm sprouting a second head.
"what the hell are you looking at?" i croak with a threatening tone. probably not a good idea considering my reputation right now. but damn well i dont care.
"nothing man. gees, we're leaving," a pale-freckled face red head puts out his cigarette and pulling on his friends' sleeves. they both stub their cigarettes and follow the red head to the door. they keep their eyes on me and walk as far away as possible. they hurry out leaving me in the restroom all bloodied and somewhat bad-ass.
i could get use to this. 
at one point, i feel myself as untouchable, invincible.
like i can even take a bullet and survive without wounds.
i turn to face the mirror. it shows nothing interesting. my tan face and my black hair arent too bad. i look okay.
just okay.
just fine.
just normal.
just a man. or a boy.
with slightly dangerous deep green eyes. but mean no harm at all.
but the people outside of these white tiled-walls think im a monster. an abomination.
with bombs strap around me. waiting patiently to explode.
"im just me goddammit. just me," i say out loud propping my body with my hands on the sink.
my eyes are starting to swell with tears.
the adrenaline rush ive been trying to contain suddenly surges through my veins.
involuntarily, i punch the white tiled-walls beside the mirror. one of the tiles crack into pieces. some of the pieces fall to the floor. i pull my arm back. the region where i just punched is stained with crimson liquid. i look at my knuckles. they're red with blood oozing out slowly giving me a painful sensation.
oh shit.






to be continue? should it? hmm...

~2.

'wahai bidadari,

kau nampak sungguh anggun hari ni. walaupun muka kau macam mengalami senggugut, tapi masih lagi dapat mencairkan hatiku. apakah yang sungguh penting pada pagi yang hening ini yang menyebabkan kau berlari seperti seorang athlete? walaupun aku tahu kau tak mampu menjawab persoalan aku, tetapi aku harapkan yang terbaik untuk kau hari ini, seperti biasa. semoga kau dapat terima sekotak coklat ini. citarasa kau tinggi wahai bidadari, tetapi tidak mengapa, buat kau, aku belikan juga :) jangan rakus. kunyah, jangan terus telan.

p.s. amacam aku cakap ala-ala penulis sastera? jadi? hehe

-without wax'

aku tersengih setelah selesai membaca sekeping nota yang di letakkan di bawah sekotak coklat 'ferreroroche' berbentuk jantung di atas 'hood' kereta myVi aku. siapakah kau wahai lelaki misteri? aku menghembus nafas panjang. nota ini merupakan nota ke-4 aku terima daripada lelaki 'without wax' ini. hari ini, notanya agak formal. aku melihat keliling kawasan tempat letak kereta kolej aku. cuba untuk mencari sesiapa yang sedang memerhatikan aku. seperti biasa, aku akan kecewa. siapakah kau? aku tanya lagi sebelum mengangkat semua barang aku dan menuju ke kuliah pertama pada pagi itu. bersama mr. kay.



bersambung.....