finn

"life must go on. challenges will make you grow stronger and wiser." 

the looks on everyone's faces seem to be getting on my nerves. i can feel their stares piercing through the back of my head and spine. though they're whispering, i can surprisingly hear their every word.

why is he still here?
he got guts.
oh god, i cant stand the sight of him.
poor dude.
ok, dont stand to close. he might strike.

though im the type who rarely get mad, but right now, im starting to feel my blood boiling. i usually dont give a damn to what people say because they rarely talk about me. but since i am now the center of attention, i now understand why some people become self-conscious over their actions. every receptor in my body tingles sending stimuli to my brain asking me to walk faster and to disappear from the suffocating hallway. i pull my hood up and stuff my hands in my jeans pockets. i gain speed and keep my head down trying to so-called blend in. it's actually really hard to miss me, im almost 6 feet 2, lean with quite tight muscles. i've been doing a lot of sports while i was confined. i stick out like a sore thumb. the students move aside letting me pass and are very careful not to touch me or even make any eye-contact with me.
as if im contagious.
as if im an alien.
as if im the reason of all the bad things in this world.
"maybe you should stay home," mum said over the counter this morning. "you know, until everything cools down a bit."
"im ok. i have chemistry test today," i said spooning a spoonful of cereal and stuffed in my mouth.
"it can wait," she sighed.
"it cant." exasperated by her negativity, i stood up and walked over to the sink to wash my bowl.
"i'm going," i didnt look at her and went straight to the front door.
"ok, stay safe," she tiredly called out.
i lied of course. it's the start of the second semester. tests are miles away. i just wanted to get out of the house. i'd choke to death if i were to stay in the pigeon hole for another whole day. i've always love early may's whether. warm and humid.
i cycled as fast as i could trying to leave my worries behind. though the wind was genuinely refreshing, my thoughts still clustered with so many possibilities. i dont want to go to school, but i dont want to stay home either. going somewhere else will just rage my father's already bad temper.
ok, man up finn, just one day. bare through it. maybe everybody has forgotten.
jyeah, and santa claus exits. i countered myself.
yes, im that pathetic.
the more i think about how pathetic and sickening my life has become, the more i feel like punching someone in his face. and right now, there's only one person i could think of. jack lynch. you son of a b...
i am cut short when something hit me hard straight in the face. my nose bleeds.
"dude, my bad," jack lynch snorts as he takes back the basketball that hit me on the floor "you should watch where you put your face man," he snickers. speaking of the devil. nobody dares to laugh. the hallway becomes dead silent. our eyes lock. this situation may look like a bad cowboy movie. if only i could drive my fist up his chin. pull out a few teeth, i'd be a happy man today. but i am not going to let this freakshow turns me into a green monster yet again. because of him, my reputation is scarred.
calm down finn. he's just screwing with you. he's a nutcase. i console myself. dont kill him.
i slowly breathe in and out straining myself from tackling him down to the floor.
you'll kill him you. you know that. my conscience reminds me.
i pull a tight smile, "s'okay," and walk pass him. if only i could just inflict a figment of my pain on him, i bet he would beg to just end his life right then and there. and the world would be so much better without him.
"you're a monster, finn. you should just kill yourself," he calls out to me. i don't look back. i can't look back. if i do, i'd gnaw his head off.
walk away finn, walk away. 
i am not sure what are the reactions on everybody's faces. i am fast-walking trying to blur out the images of their stares and go straight to the boy's restroom. when i enter, 3 awkward teenage boys are smoking and they stop talking when they see me. one of them is ogling me like i'm sprouting a second head.
"what the hell are you looking at?" i croak with a threatening tone. probably not a good idea considering my reputation right now. but damn well i dont care.
"nothing man. gees, we're leaving," a pale-freckled face red head puts out his cigarette and pulling on his friends' sleeves. they both stub their cigarettes and follow the red head to the door. they keep their eyes on me and walk as far away as possible. they hurry out leaving me in the restroom all bloodied and somewhat bad-ass.
i could get use to this. 
at one point, i feel myself as untouchable, invincible.
like i can even take a bullet and survive without wounds.
i turn to face the mirror. it shows nothing interesting. my tan face and my black hair arent too bad. i look okay.
just okay.
just fine.
just normal.
just a man. or a boy.
with slightly dangerous deep green eyes. but mean no harm at all.
but the people outside of these white tiled-walls think im a monster. an abomination.
with bombs strap around me. waiting patiently to explode.
"im just me goddammit. just me," i say out loud propping my body with my hands on the sink.
my eyes are starting to swell with tears.
the adrenaline rush ive been trying to contain suddenly surges through my veins.
involuntarily, i punch the white tiled-walls beside the mirror. one of the tiles crack into pieces. some of the pieces fall to the floor. i pull my arm back. the region where i just punched is stained with crimson liquid. i look at my knuckles. they're red with blood oozing out slowly giving me a painful sensation.
oh shit.






to be continue? should it? hmm...