2015's first post: Resolutions

Assalamualaikum.

Let's get real here. It's February, and I'm a tad late in figuring out my resolutions for 2015. But in my defence, I was not at the comfort of my home during my first week of January of 2015 because I was in Beijing, China. But that's just an excuse for not trying to figure out anything until my 2nd year examination result comes out.

I decided right after my result, I'll be jotting down my resolutions because it will determine what I have to focus next in my life.

Shallow, I know.

But when the stakes are high, and your confidence level is way underground hiding from sunlight, you ought to do the same thing as I did.

So after delaying and procrastinating for almost a month after my result - typical me - (oh, I passed. Alhamdulillah), I finally decided it's time to sit put and figure out what I want to achieve this year.
I didn't fulfil the resolutions I set up in 2014 because - well, let's be honest, I was lazy.

This year. Well this year is going to be different.

I can feel it in my veins, surging through the narrow networks, that I am going to complete at least 50% of my resolutions.

Difficulty level: Extreme edge with melted cheese (Domino's reference alert).

After passing 2 decades as a human being, I've finally figured out why it's difficult for me to get things done.

1. I AM A PERFECTIONIST (not in a good way).

I may not look like one, but when I start working on my projects - I SCRUTINIZE EVERY SINGLE DETAIL. I twitch and cringe at the sight of uneven EVERYTHING.

2. I wait for the right moment to come for me to elicit any pending activities; which I've learnt now, that the perfect moment is not presented, but seized.

Hence, this year, instead of waiting for the so-called right time for me to do something, I will just do it (Nike reference alert).

So... without further ado, let's list down the goals for 2015:

1. Lose weight - no explanation needed. It's required.
2. Get fit - I'm beginning to lose stamina and it's awful. Walking a certain distance used to be a breeze, but now, it feels like torture.
3. Eat healthy - Come on, I can't consume KFC all day everyday... can I? Hell no.
4. Learn to cook - I've started cooking for myself lately and I love it!
5. Buy things under a strict budget - in other words, be more thrifty and stop wasting money on unnecessary things. Although I consider myself to be a small spender, I do feel like I should start monitoring my expenses. For keepsake.
6. Read read read - I've been lacking on my reading materials lately. So I've decided to read Reader's Digest every month (since I'm a subscriber), finish a fictional book every month, read the Holy Quran everyday (at least 1 page a day).
7. Get up-to-date with global issues - the world is becoming a totally bizarre new planet to me every single day. It's amazing how people's morals are deteriorating due to their own selfish needs. SMH.
8. Write/draw - preferably every single day. These creative outlets are my favourite, however, time constraint and artist block get to me all the time.
9. Brush up on my photography skills - been loving photography as of late. The joy of taking pictures is growing on me again, which is a plus!
10. Start scrapbooking/journalling - 2015 so far has been amazing. A lot of things had happened for the past 2 months. I went to Beijing, China with my close and extended families which is a first, I went to Penang with my housemates and had the most amazing trip. And I'm currently planning for more travels in the future. I have tonnes of photos and great memories from these travels, so to conserve them all, I'd like to start immortalizing them down through scrapbooking or journalling (online). We'll see how it goes :) *super excited for this project
11. Get active on blogspot again - I remember trying to keep up with this blog by updating every week last year. But that didn't work out. This year's schedule is still under construction, but I'm adamant to keep this blog alive again. InshaAllah!
12. Keep in touch with the people you care a lot more often - I'm terrible at this. I'm sorry guys. You know I love you!!
13. and of course, become a BETTER muslimah. 


I guess that's all. Whew. It's been awhile since I write anything lengthy. See you guys again in the next post. Hopefully soon!

p.s. for those who have yet to get their resolutions done, I suggest you do so now.

HAPPY 2015 EVERYBODY! May this year be better than the years you've left behind!

BOOK REVIEW: Fangirl - Rainbow Rowell (SPOILER ALERT)

It's approximately 1.04 a.m. as I start writing this sentence on a Friday. I have less than 15 days 'till my finals and yes, I'm nowhere near finishing my revision. It's amazing how I tend to do other crazy things that I wouldn't do when I'm not supposed to study like finishing a book in one day!! I have to write this review now and actually just a few seconds as I finished the book because I'm so infuriated!

Oh before that, assalamualaikum to my readers. If I have any.

OK, back to this post. This is not the first time I'm doing this. I remember back in high school where I finished one book in 3 days a week before my SPM trial and another book in 2 days a week before SPM and mind you, they were heavy stuff. Dan Brown heavy.

But this book, I actually bought a few months ago out of pure curiousity and I'm not going to lie - because of the cover page. It was so girlish and cute that I just had to pick it up. Instead of waiting for the Big Bad Wolf sale, I paid RM 35 for it. So immediately after I bought the book, I read a few chapters for 2 days and then I completely stopped due to a forgettable reason. Probably because I didn't have to study back then.

The first few chapters were OK. Like any other YA books you might have read. I'm not an expert when it comes to writing but I personally feel that this book didn't have a proper storyline.
It was basically just a girl who had problems at home because her mum left her, her twin sister and her father. The abandonment took a huge toll on all of them as her father had a few cases of manic relapses, her sister took up heavy under age drinking and her being a bit antisocial.

So this afternoon as I was studying for my finals, I picked up this book and continue from where I had left off and I couldn't stop reading because I was interested in knowing what happened next to all of the characters Rowell had introduced and I had learned to love and whether or not Cath (the protagonist) will ever sell her first book (she's an English major and her fiction-writing professor's pet).

Unfortunately, I didn't get what I wanted.
They were so many questions left unanswered. So many that I began to feel that Rowell purposely did this to me because she might want me to conclude them on my own which I find very cruel and heart-wrenching.

Here are a few things I feel that Rowell should have clarified or at least attempted to and the things I don't like about this book:

1) I hate the fanfiction/book about Baz and Simon. Oh God, it's so similar to Harry Potter that I feel like it's just a sad ripped off from the mega saga. I personally think that it's a lazy example of a fiction to put in a book. At least make it not so predictable like a fallen angel or a werewolf or even if you have to put in a wizard, make it about a girl instead. I skipped most of the fanfiction/book sections of the book.

2) Can we just take a moment and realized that a huge part of this book was about Cath's family issues regarding her walk-out mother but it was poorly explored. Laura (the mother) left them when they were really young and I could totally see her as a bitch and suddenly wanted to reconnect with them which was kinda nice but again almost at the end of the book disappeared. There was no coherent message to her disappearance, appearance and re-disappearance. I feel like it's not necessary to put her appearance in the book just to tell the readers that she didn't want to stay but she was just checking up on them. Which was weird. I'd feel a lot better if she appear and then disappear in a way that would hurt them more, because that'd make more sense on not just disappear but still become friends with one of her daughters on Facebook. It's just weird that the family's misery is not exploited deep enough and it's sad that there were no values that could be taken out of this because Laura was not given a backbone in this story other than being a selfish bitch.

3) Wren had alcohol poisoning and she fought with her best friend Courtney due to unknown reasons. I feel like Rowell owed Wren a few explanations on what happened to her and Courtney and why did she let herself get wasted all the time. There were no concrete reasons to her behaviour. I assume she was just experimenting as a new college student but that just sounds vapid and I hate to think that Wren is vapid because she didn't sound like one. A brat, maybe, but not vapid.

4) They were be a lot of almost sex scenes of Cath and Levi that were so awkward to read and didn't feel natural or human.

5) There was no distinct flow of the story. No beginning, no ending, no climax. I'M UTTERLY CONFUSED BY THE PLATEAU STATE OF THIS BOOK.

6) Why didn't that bastard Nick get kicked in the balls by Levi? or Wren? or better yet, Reagan?!!!

7) I wish I could read more of Cath's final project "Left" instead of just a short insignificant snippet of it.


OK, I'm done. I think I trashed this book miserably. I did love the characters though. I think they were perfect for the story. Just not well developed. I give this book 4/10.

I heard great reviews from her previous book Eleanor and Park which I'm definitely going to give it a read. Hopefully it's different from this one.


*sigh

Where are all the good books at?!

Signing off,
Yours truly.

Phoebe: Hey, Jake.

Jake: Hey. 

- He reluctantly answers Phoebe and continues talking to Kale.

Phoebe: So... this upcoming Spring Fling, do you have a date yet?

Jake: Err... yeah

- He lies. He doesn't have one.

Phoebe: Oh, OK. Erm, later then.

- She walks away, her head lowers down - her bangs almost covering the lenses of her thick glasses.

- Jake chuckles.

Kale: What the hell was that?

Jake: What?

Kale: Why did you blow her off like that?

Jake: Dude, she's a total nerd!

- Kale breathes in deeply...

Kale: Are you really in the position of rejecting an opposite gender attraction of that singular female who apparently is not to your petty liking solely on the ambiguous fact that she is called upon as customarily termed ‘nerd’ by the pretentious, bootlicking, vapid and shallow-minded people – members of the self-proclaimed better-than-others society filled with grotesque, plastic-like, ‘the-good-kind-of-slutty’ female dogs and for the matter of fact that she could be the best thing that ever happened to you and would genuinely get and quote the crazy sci-fi references in your veins like they were her mother tongue language, stay by you eventhough you’ve made injudicious slip-ups and most of all, accept the intangible fact that you snore like a badly-played French horn and your other awkward flaws but still have the same affection or probably more towards you in the next century because she understands the absolute fact of human evolution when it comes to physiques and sometimes personalities?

Jake: You’re an absolute jerk. 

 - Jake runs after Phoebe and starts talking to her.

- They're laughing. Like actual happiness.

Kale: I’ve done well.    

Currently.

Assalamualaikum (peace be upon you).

It's been awhile hasn't it? 

As I'm rearranging my jumbled words in my head to type a 'relevant' post, - typing and deleting, typing and deleting, typing and deleting, oh the endless vicious cycle - I'm enjoying Mraz's soothing voice serenading me halfway in reverie. Accompanied by three beautiful people literally across from me. Minding their own business. Despite everyone putting their music on, eyes glued on their gadgets' screens letting only the sound of the fan whirling and the wind blowing gently from the unclosed sliding doors filling the stuffy atmosphere, we seem to be contented. Well, at least I am.

I've forgotten the joy of simply just writing. Based on real-life experiences or most often than not my imaginations running wild. The last time I tried getting creative with writing - for God-knows-how-long ago - I sort of put myself in a state of apical depression. When my thoughts were no longer making sense whilst I put them in readable sentences, I immediately stopped and sighed. "Astaghfirullah. What's wrong with me?"

It's true you know, "practice makes perfect" even if you're a prodigy child (I'm not one, I'm just augmenting the significance of the phrase).

For whatever odd reason, I feel like writing even when my thoughts are currently asking me to stop and put myself to rest. But it feels wrong to succumb to that way of living. Procrastinating, lazying and mopping around waiting for the hours, days and weeks to past so that I could... well, move on. The fact that I know it's wrong is what frustrates me the most, because I'm not doing anything about it. 

By the time you've read this, you might think I'm depressed but I assure you, I'm not.

True, I feel lost right now. This is how I usually feel whenever exams are near and I have so much to study yet I'm not doing anything because disappointments are my worst enemy.

Elaboration regarding this feeling I shall not do here because it's not something foreign, in fact, majority of homosapiens feel it. And I'm just one of the billions. 

I stop having expectations on people the minute the people I used-to-love hurt me. 

Life laced with success and so much happiness does not come to you serve on a silver platter (or gold whichever you prefer), that, I'm aware of. 

But you can't help it can you?

You can't.

Sometimes, being in super control of your life feels slightly generic to a point that you seem heartless and emotionless.

I guess, I am now heartless and emotionless.

Mute and dumb to people's pleads for attention. 

I also realize now that I hate confrontations and dramas in my life that I'd rather watch movies instead of going out and meet people to befriend with.

Anti-social: Level 1.

As I'm writing this sentence, I still have no title for this post because I initially wanted to write regarding my 2014's resolutions...

but then again...

they're the same every year.

Oh God, I've not done anything for the past few years...

2014 shall be the turning point.

Let's start with studying for finals. Coming in t-minus 1 month. 

Wish me luck.

Yours truly.

p.s. After this post script message, I'll write the title to this post.

The Break Up

I watched the break up scene of Rachel and Finn several times because whoever wrote that script is a genius. Every word Rachel said was so raw, so true that it hit me multiple times.

Glee Season 4, and this particular episode which was The Break Up episode (episode 4) where everybody broke up and went to different directions just spoke to me. 

Rachel's break up scene was the pint-point of a lame and mundane realization for me. 

I felt how she felt. 

I didn't cry. But I felt it. If I were to express myself on how complicated my feelings have become and how twisted my thoughts have intertwined, I wouldn't write or say my feelings and thoughts any differently from what Rachel had done (well maybe omitting the part about being in glee club or new york, yeah, you know, you get the drift.)

This is sort of a very personal post for me.

I'm heart broken, and I chose this particular break up scene because it's an angry break up and yes, I'm mostly angry now rather than sad. So here are some parts that I really like:

part 1:

Finn: I just needed time to think.

Rachel: You had four months. I hated you for what you did to me at that train station.

Finn: I was trying to help you.

Rachel: I hated you. And then when I got to New York, I thought how much you love me. And how hard that must have been for you. And I thought this...this is what a man looks like. This is how a man loves. But you, not telling me where you were for four months, and sneaking out before sunrise in the middle of the night without saying goodbye, that is not being a man, Finn.

part 2: 

Finn: I was trying to give you your freedom.

Rachel: I don't need you to give me my freedom. I am a grown woman. I don't need you to hide from me to keep me from doing what is right for me.

part 3:

Finn: Who am I? I barely even graduated high school and my life has absolutely no direction.

Rachel: Don't you get it? No matter how rich, or famous, or successful I become, when it comes to you, I'm always going to be that moon-eyed girl who freaked you out at a first glee rehearsal. You are the first boy who made me feel loved, and sexy, and visible. You are my first love. And I want more than anything for you to be my last. 



I just wanted to write something. Something that reflects more of myself in reality rather than just my imaginations going wild. 

Despite all the pain and bullshits people give me, I don't take them personally or make a huge deal out of them. That's me.

But this particular pain however just activated all my stimuli - that, in turn, augmented more pain. 

Crappy feeling isn't it? 






p.s. no, I'm not in a relationship. 

"weh.." ali tegur abu.

"apa?" abu jawab tanpa menoleh ke arah ali. dia tengah sibuk menjawab soalan 'killer' sir lim. add maths merupakan subjek yang dia paling benci.

"weh...." ali merengek. menarik-narik baju kemeja biru abu.

"ish. amenda kau ni? buat laa kerja kau tu." abu dengus. dia menggaru-garu kepala sambil memadam jalan kerjanya yang agak panjang. salah lagi, dah lima kali aku padam. abu monolog dalaman.

"weh... abu..." ali merengek lagi.

abu menghempas perlahan penselnya, pura-pura marah (walaupun memang marah dalam hati) dan menoleh ke arah ali. "apa? kau nak apa? susu?"

"lawak laa kau ni." ali ketawa kecil.

"gedik. yelaa, dok merengek macam adik aku. at least adik aku tu kalau merengek sebab dia nak aku buatkan susu. kau nak apa pulak?"

"aku nak tanya ni..."

"haa, tanya laa."

"kau pernah tak..." ali berhenti untuk beberapa saat. penantian merupakan satu penyeksaan bagi abu.

"ya Allah, aku pernah apa? cepatlaa sikit tanya tu." abu tinggikan suara sambil mencapai penselnya semula. aku takda masa nak layan ali ni. tahulaa dah pandai add maths, jangan laa sengaja kacau aku tengah tekun ni.

"kau pernah tak ada rasa cinta kat aku?" ali tanya sambil menguil-nguil meja kayu yang digunakan untuk membuat kerja rumah dan makan.

abu berhenti menulis dan memandang ke arah ali yang menundukkan kepalanya. malu, mungkin? "haa? apa kau merepek ni?"

"yelaa, aku kita kan dah duduk sama-sama lebih 17 tahun. takkan kau tak pernah rasa cinta kat aku..."

"woi. dosa kau tahu. aku bukan gay!"

"aku pun bukan. ok, jangan laa marah. aku tanya je."

"macam-macam laa kau ni ali." abu menggeleng kepala dan gelak kecil.

"habis, kau cinta siapa?" ali tanya.

"ali, buat laa addmaths tu. walaupun kau dah pandai."

"kau cinta siapa abu? cakap laa."

"takda siapa."

"tipu."

"Tuhan. aku cinta Tuhan."

"alaa kau ni."

"anak mak ton." abu cakap selamba.

ali mencangkung atas kerusinya, "anak mak ton bu? mana satu? ada 5 orang."

"yang mana lagi ali oi? kan aku kata aku tak gay, anak mak ton ada sorang je yang perempuan."

"eh dua laa."

"eh satu laa."

"dua. yang lagi satu tu, yang mak nyah tu." ali gelak terbahak-bahak.

"tak baik kau cakap macam tu ali."

"eh betullah. semua orang kampung cakap dia mak nyah kan? pakai make-up laa. geli aku tengok."

"aku cinta jannah laa. anak mak ton yang last tu." muka abu merah.

"oh...." ali menghembus panjang.

"hello everybody!" bakar rakan baik abu dan ali serbu masuk rumah abu secara tiba-tiba.

"oi bakar, tak reti nak ketuk pintu ke?!" ali tergus dengan nada marah. "kau tu dah laa gemuk. masuk rumah orang main redah je. gegar rumah abu ni."

"jahatnya kau ni ali." air mata bakar mula mengalir.

"ish ali, kau ni. bakar tu kan sensitif. alaa bakar, ali ni gurau je. hai bakar. jemputlah duduk. tolong kitaorang buat addmaths." abu senyum ke arah bakar yang sedang menangis. bakar memang berbadan besar. terlalu besar untuk umur 17 tahun. sebab dia suka makan. suka gila.

"aku dah siap dah addmaths tu." bakar kata sambil mengelap air matanya. dia duduk sebelah abu.

"kalau macam tu, tolong aku selesaikan soalan 6 ni. ali pun tak tahu macam mana nak buat."

ha ha ha.
semua yang di atas sebenarnya berlaku dalam otak aku.

aku atan. dan sekarang, aku tengah buat peperiksaan addmaths. peperiksaan akhir tahun. 
aku buntu dekat soalan 6. 
jadi aku buat laa cerita dalam otak aku ni. dengan harapan dapat inspirasi. 

ha ha ha. takpa. lama lagi sebelum masa tamat.

ha ha ha

lama lagi.

ha ha ha

"OK semua, masa sudah tamat. sila berhenti menulis dan 'pass' kertas jawapan anda kehadapan."

eh, celaka. 

Unsettling

Assalamualaikum.

Where do I even begin?

Ya Allah...

Where do I even start?

I tell myself, each and everyday that I should be a better muslim.
I should be reciting the Quran after my prayers.
Do extra prayers.


I tell myself that each and everyday. Every late morning.
But where do I stand?
No where near what I've intended to do that morning. Or the night before.

When a day draws to an end, and I'm not doing what I've promised/asked myself to do constantly, I tell myself that it's OK. That tomorrow will come or may come and I have time to redeem myself. And besides, those are not obligated actions. Just extras.

Extras...
Extras...

And I go to bed with shame. With hopes that Allah still protects me from harm though I've sinned so much.

Have you ever felt that feeling?
The feeling of hollowness and emptiness and sadness and weariness?
Eventhough you think your actions to be closer to or to mend your relationship with Allah are enough?
Though you're aware they're not that sufficient.

Ah... how do I even put my jumbled thoughts and feelings into words?

No. No.
NO.

Nothing is enough.

For so long I've left the Holy Quran untouched.
For so long I've left my hands not lifted to do my extra prayers.
For so long I've left my heart not intended to do my extra prayers.
For so long I've left my eyes dry from asking Allah for forgiveness.
For so long I've left my lips dry from repeating His Greatness and His Blessings to me.


I envy those who think of Him all the time when I sometimes lost track of what I am worth and desire the lies the dunya is spreading.
Doing something else to satisfy my lusts. To quench my thirst for the dunya.

Ya Allah, the shame I feel.


No no more.
I will not let myself feel this anymore.

For He is always there, watching over me, blessing me, loving me endlessly.

In shaa Allah, I will start again and be constant in doing my duties to be closer to Allah s.w.t and always missing  and remembering Rasulullah s.a.w.

I want to feel happy again. I want to feel happy because I am not just blessed with a good life but also because I feel closer to Him. Closer than I've ever felt before.

Yes.
That's the best way to live.

14th Jan 2013

TF.
2.30 - 5.00 pm.
black shirt.
blue faded jeans.
talk.
past. future. present.
chocolates. keychains.
photos.













after all those years,
you still drive me crazy.

penghujung 2012 dan permulaan 2013

assalamualaikum.

pos kali ni aku terasa nak menulis dalam bahasa kebangsaanku walaupun mungkin kalau cikgu BM aku baca muka dia aku berkerut seribu dan mengeluh kekecewaan. maaf cikgu, dah setahun tak belajar BM, kekok sikit bila nak menulis. hehe, halalkan laa ye penulisan 'rojak dari pasar malam' saya ni.

*hembus nafas

wow. cepat betul masa berlalu. pejam celik pejam celik pejam celik tidur kejap pejam celik lagi dah habis 2012, menyusul pula 2013. jujur aku cakap, aku tak sangka dapat hidup selama ni. alhamdulillah aku bersyukur kerana diberi peluang lagi untuk memperbaiki diri dan meningkatkan ibadah.

(ya Allah tatabahasa aku!)

kalau toleh balik, aku rasa tak perlu nak komen lebih-lebih tentang masa yang aku 'manfaatkan' pada 2012. memang kalau nak cerita, malu aku. terang lagi bersuluh siap 'spotlight' (maaf cikgu hikmah, saya tahu peribahasa sebenar, ini sekadar jenaka hingusan saya je) aku banyak menghabiskan masa menangis sebab takutkan masa hadapan. sampai mak aku pun dah tak tahu nak buat apa. kelakar, memang kelakar. dahsyat jugak aku ni. mesin air mata.

bila aku korek balik pos awal tahun 2012 aku, aku cadang nak buat azam tahun baru selepas dapat keputusan SPM. aku rasa aku tak buat pun. haih.

jadi tahun ni, aku tekad nak buat dan malaksanakan azam aku (ini pun dah dikira azam jugak ni). tanpa membuang masa, inilah dia azam tahun baru (2013) aku. jangan gelak. senyum boleh, tapi tak boleh nampak gigi.

aku nak:-

1. kurangkan berat badan.
2. minum air 3L sehari.
3. solat awal.
4. khatam sekurang-kurangnya sekali pada bulan ramadhan.
5. solat dhuha + hajat setiap hari.
6. lupakan kisah silam yang penuh kegelapan. cewah ceh ceh ceh cikaboom cikaboom. tapi serius, aku nak jadi lebih baik. jauh lebih baik dari semalam dan tahun-tahun sebelumnya.
7. belajar masak.
8. belajar menjahit.
9. baca sekurang-kurangnya 20 buah buku (tak termasuk buku universiti).
10. eratkan silaturrahim dengan rakan-rakan (rajin balas mesej orang).
11. jangan gagal dalam mana-mana subjek.
12. kurangkan berat badan.

ye aku sedar kurangkan berat badan tu dua kali, tapi takpa, baru semangat sikit.

secara personalnya, aku rasa, ada azam ni bagus. sebagai peringatan kepada kita untuk maju kehadapan.
majulah azam untuk negara (aku dapat rasa kelahnatan cikgu hikmah terhadap aku).

sampai sini sahaja pos kali ini. terima kasih kepada rakan-rakan yang setia dengan perangai aku yang kurang stabil ni. semoga bertemu lagi dikemudian hari. in shaa Allah.

assalamualaikum.

is there nothing that you're proud of?

you can stand in front of a mirror for hours. admiring 'a thing of beauty' - your lover might call you - which is non-other than yourself.
you're insecure because you're not sure how to take that somewhat catchy calling as a compliment or an insult.
you're a woman for pete's sake.
you'd tell yourself.
you're not an antique clock hangs exquisitely in a museum.
you'd add. it's funny how you relate the phrase 'a thing of beauty' with an antique clock in a museum. surely you have higher standards than that.
"ugh." you grunt. you huff and puff your bangs. i admit, you always have a lovely hair. it's not boring straight or awkwardly curled up too much. it's just right. your hair; the colour of cinnamon sugar - which is natural by the way - shines when it is illuminated. your skin, oh god, your beautiful delicate peach skin. *chuckle. peach, do people still call you peachy? you're not too pale or too tan. you're the colour of both sufficient sun and shades. your eyes have always had they're distinct glow. they'll glow and darken parallel to your emotions. and they change too often to keep tract. sometimes, you're too hard to figure out. your eyelashes have always been the highlights of your face. they're thick and dark even without the help of mascara. your face looks as if it was carved by the hands of God Himself. so carefully angled, perked and shaped. a little bit of freckles are scattered on it to give you that innocent look that suits you very well. you're stunning.

im still not sure what your native roots are. im sure you're not a pure caucasian. but i'll never figure it out because im a terrible guesser. i guess it's one of your bucket full of secret isn't it?
i always wonder why you sigh and mumble whenever you survey your reflection.
you'd pull your hair up when you're wearing it down. you'd pinch your cheeks and wiggle them. you'd try different smiles and pouts.
it's like you're still figuring out how to be, well, you.

it pains me to see you're throwing yourself like this. you hardly eat. but whenever you do, you'd put your finger down your throat and hunch over the toilet bowl. your gorgeous eyelashes are always wet with tears caused by the excruciating pain you put yourself into.
it hurts me to know that you find comfort in the fact that your skin is pressed against your bones without the presence of meat let alone fat. you've become so thin that im afraid people will crush and break you into pieces whenever they try to touch you.
above all, it saddens me to see you hold a sharp object against your wrist and cut yourself until you bleed and let the crimson liquid flows slowly down your forearm. you'd cry, but you wont stop. you'd feel the pain and you'd chant your magic words, "make me feel beautiful, make me feel beautiful." everynight. then, you'd fall asleep on the floor curl up into a ball as if protecting yourself from the boogeyman. the next morning you'd wake up and put on your make up to conceal your blacked eyes and your damaged wrist.

sometimes, i wish i could swoon down and take you by the arm. hold you tight. whisper to you that you are beautiful.
sometimes, i wish i could always stay by your side, help you heal from whatever made you like this.
sometimes, i wish i could make you tell me your secrets so that you dont have to lift the burden yourself.

but i cant. because im just your little stuffed bear. sitting on the upper shelf just being able to watch. neither can i move nor talk. i feel hopeless.

why cant you see yourself the way i do?
tell me my master, is there nothing that you're proud of?

ready? ok, fall.

is it the hair?

nah, it's the smile.

yeah, you're right. it has always been the smile.

you should stop starring at him, people will notice.

no they won't.

- the cafeteria is busy as always. no one will notice im staring at him.

maybe you should not like him altogether.

what? why not?

well, the fact that...

shh, he's coming.

- "hey june," kyle says smiling. oh god, that smile.

dude, focus.

oh right.

- "sup kyle."

- "sup? haha well, that's new," he laughs and sits next to me. 

sup brain?! sup?! veryyy smooth.

hey dont blame me, you made me said it.

- he leans close to me. i could feel his hot breath against my bare skin.

"dont forget tonight aite? you got to help me with anna, i cant screw our first date," he whispers. 

- i nod. he smiles, pats my back and gets up. "awesome, see you then!" he waves goodbye and leaves.

you're totally friendzoned. 

what should i do?

he's your bestfriend. what CAN you do?

arghhh.

you can't fall for him. you're not ready.

too late, i've already fallen. deep.

- i sigh as i watch him walks out of the cafeteria.

why?

"because it's something i have to do."

is it? 

"yeah."

you sure?

"what do you care?"

because when you go down, i'll have to go down with you.

"no one will know about... they told me i'll be safe."

you sure?

"they told me i'll be safe... they swore."

people lie.

"they dont."

you're too naive.

"if you're so against it, why didnt you stop me?"

you shut me out.

"i didnt."

you did. but you bring me back now, because you're confused.

"ughh."

so, where do we stand?

"in a deep shit hole..."

well, at least we're standing.

"ha ha bloody ha."

what are we going to do with it?

"this is why i brought you back. thought you'd maybe have some ideas."

we could burn it.

"too obvious."

bury it?

"too much work."

pretend this never happened?

"i kinda... like that."

really?

"yeah. we should leave."

she looks down on the lifeless body sprawled awkwardly on the floor. blood flooding it. she closes her eyes and breathes deeply. the stench of death and a little regret fill the air. as she turns around to leave, something hit her hard on the head. she falls.

*coughs coughs* "god, this hurts."

she puts her hands on her head. she can feel blood oozing out of her head. several hits on her body leaves her paralyzed beside the dead body.

wow, karma was fast. 

"who's there?!" *coughs coughs* "oh god..."

more hard hits. shuffling footsteps. deep voices whispering. the sound of her bones breaking.

i told you we'll go down.

"no you didnt."

yeah well, but i did mention it.

"ha ha bloody ha."

then, everything goes pitch black.

Innocence of Muslims

assalamualaikum/peace be upon you.

i guess the title says it all.
truth said, i havent watched it but for what ive heard from those who had, i dont think i want too.
as a muslim, of course im mad. infuriated in fact.
how could, for anyone, to downgrade a religion to that extent?
where's that humanness in all of us that made us different from the jungle brutes?
for who they have insulted was.. no, is and always will be the exact definition of a perfect human being.

i can't even put my devastation, frustration and my disbelief in what is happening into the right words.
the chaos of humankind. the animals we have become. the lowest of the lowest of creatures on this earth.

dont let this be a vantage point for other religions to take a step forward, to see that it's ok, to know that it's fine to taunt, slander and disrespect other believers.
dont let this be a concrete reason to erupt a war.
dont let this be a barrier to other religions to see the beauty in islam.
dont let this be how others portray how islam is because it's not.

i respect those who have their own opinions in what they believe and what they dont.

but this is too much.

if you're skeptical about what islam is all about after the 9/11 incident, take the effort to go to those who are well taught, well versed and well educated in islam not to those who are full of hatred and revenge in their cores.

there are always a few bad apples in a huge barrel. but the other apples those in that barrel are not rotten and spoiled.

i beg of others to see us in a whole different perspective apart from what you already know through this propaganda. to see the real islam. not of what they have depicted poorly of us.

our prophet Rasulullah s.a.w. was not of all what they have filmed.
not even close.

when you really take the extra effort to know him, for what he was and for what he had done, you will fall in love with him.
you'd mourn for his absence and you'd want him back. to set things right.

so, as my part as a muslim who loves her religion, i'd do my fair share to clear my beloved prophet's name and all together educate those who know none of him, here are a few well known figures who had commented on Rasulullah s.a.w.'s excellent qualities even after his departure.

1. Sir Herbert Spencer (English philosopher): Should you make Muhammad as a symbol of religious political right, and one of the most honest in implementing the system, sacred heart of mankind. Muhammad is a first embodiment of pure honesty - day and night -always diligently developing his ummah.

2. Dr Wilw (1818-1889, French-orientalist wrote in his work 'Khulafa Tarikhul') : Muhammad entitled to our admiration and gratitude as the great reformer, and he should also be known as a prophet. We do not need to hear stories and opinions of extremes. Indeed Muhammad is great in personality and very obedient to Islam. Whoever attacks him, it is clear they do not understand and they are damaging his honorable services.

3. Albornos Catian (Italian orientalist whore in his book 'Arab Adyanul') : The privilege of Muhammad is located on his amazing ability to be a smart-smart politician, more than a prophet who got the revelation. If they knew none of Muhammad,  they tarnish Muhammad's dignity, and they who do it, then they are injustice against themselves and against Muhammad.

4. Mahatma Ghandi: Once I wonder who most influenced human figure? I am more than convinced that it was not the sword that gives greatness of Islam at the time. But it comes from simplicity, the unpretentious, the precautionary Muhammad, and extraordinary devotion to friends and followers, his determination, courage, and confidence in God and his job. All this (and not the sword) remove all obstacles. When I closed the last page of volume 2 (biography of Muhammad), I was sad because there is no story that is left of the great life. The teachings brought by Muhammad is the omission of one's wisdom not only for Muslims but for whole human race.

5. Edward Adams (American orientalist from one of his works) : Arab countries first before Prophethood of Muhammad, were countries sink into depravity. Difficult for us to characterize various disturbances that occurred in each place. Great damage that torments the people at that time and evil in children (daughter born buried alive for fear of disastrous), human sacrifices made ​​in the name of religion, the ongoing war between tribes, and the communities that live often lack, as well as the absence of a strong legal order. All the result of slavery and human bondage, increased crime, sexual abuse and no honor among men. When Muhammad came as the interpreter of  The Almighty for the whole universe's treatise which is the Qur'an and bring the light on his left hand. Verily, that all this is to free human beings from the darkness and being them into the light of God's grace is Sublime.

masyaAllah, beautiful aren't they? many more on the net :)

and so, i urge to those muslims out there to respond and react intelligently to this offence. dont go out there holding knives and guns declaring war out of the blue. tell those who know not of the beauty of islam and the greatest man that had ever walked on earth (Rasulullah s.a.w.). to those prolific writers, bloggers, vloggers and twitters, do your part in spreading them on the net. the fastest medium to convey information.
for war is the last form of jihad there is.

this is a message from a fellow muslim, a human being, a God's slave and a girl.

spread the word. insyaAllah, we fight these bad images of islam and our prophet - peacefully.


islam is not just a religion, it's a way of life

she takes a drag of her cigarette, half inhaling the forbidden yet exhilarating smoke then expelling it to the atmosphere. the cold november air is sickening - biting her pale exposed skin. she lets the cigarette hangs on the edge of her lips as she shoves her gloved hands inside her leather jacket.

she has always hated the cold in the winter.

but the summer's heat disgusts her the most.

shows how much time she spends being inside.

she leans her back to a brick wall and tilts her head up letting her bangs fall slightly off to the right. the sun shies away hiding behind thin clouds emitting only a ring of vague sunlight. 

she sighs. 

what a mess.

she closes her eyes. trying to soak in as much as she could. the sound and the smell of the outer city. although the city is said to be overpopulated, most of the people look almost familiar to her. tired eyes, sagged postures and those poker faces. 

pfft, zombies. 

the city is divided into two parts. although it's not stated black and white, but the public is well-aware of the significant differences between the outer city and the city center. the way people dressed for example in both parts of the city is different. the state-of-the-art superstructures and skyscrapers mostly emerged in the city center leaving the dull old crappy buildings ready to collapse in the outer city. even the people's names depict which part of the city they come from.

don't go. we could run away you know. 

she chuckles. her inner voice has a mind of its own.

she loathes the city. be it the outer or the center. she spends most of her life living and commuting only around the outer city and if and only if she has to deal with the upper people she steps foot in the city center. to her, the whole city reeks of lies and deceits. 

trust no one. 

the more she stays immobile, the more the cold air bites into her. she grits her teeth as the cold is starting to really agitate her. her palpitations start to elevate. the people around don't seem to mind her. they're too busy worrying about themselves. 

"it's a dog-eat-dog world," her deceased mum once told her after she discovered that she was suffering from breast cancer and she had just got laid off from her job. "i mean, shits happen. you just have to man up and face them." she was 8 then. 

she slowly slides her right hand on the barrel of the gun inside her pocket. 

feeling it's features. it's expensive metal. it's weight. it's texture. it's power. 

"you're wrong mum, it's a bitch-eat-bitch world," she whispers under her breath snickering, her fingers carefully curling the handle of the gun. her pocket has never felt so heavy, so out of place, so different.  

her other hand flicks the cigarette to the pavement. she steps on it to distinguish the tiny flame. she swallows hard and pushes herself off the wall walking with her head down towards the city center. with the gun fully loaded and her target identified, she is ready. her veins are filled with adrenaline, vengeance overwhelms her heart and her hallow eyes show no sight of a human soul. she is determined to get it done. 

"i guess...

.... you could say that im that person you'll look twice at.
the first glance is just a mere sweeping of your eyes. a very general glance, detecting how many people are around including me.
the second glance is more specific - to me mostly - to make sure you're not seeing a famous celebrity.
which means the second glance will last a few seconds longer than the first one but you'll get your assurance. im not a celebrity." -tay giff


yeah, that's how random she gets.

and again.

peace be upon you.

titanium is banging in her earphones.
her head nods following the rhythm.


fingers are cold to the bones.
the dead silence of the atmosphere doesnt choke her.
isnt awkward either.
because she knows where she is.
i'm talking loud not saying much.



the table is full of papers of undone assignments.
shoot me down but i wont fall.
i am titanium.


tabs after tabs after tabs of different perspectives,
funny how one question triggers multiple answers,
ghost town and hunted love.
raise your voice,
sticks and stones may break my bones.

her head is clouded,
too many things to do,
so little time.
stone hard, machine gun.
fire up the ones who run.

as the fingers type swiftly on the keyboard,
sia is coming to the end of her last verse,
guetta is running out of head-nodding beats,
she has come to the end of her post.
she presses replay.
and again.


i'm talking loud not saying much...

sandwich telurku beranak (?)

assalamualikum.

sesungguhnya, ketahuilah bahawa cerita kali ini ialah cerita benar yang tak gempak pun. takda aksi lucah, aksi manusia terbang dan letupan dynamite yang dahsyat. hanya cerita aku dengan sandwich telurku.
cerita ini memang ada kena mengena dengan yang hidup. tapi harap takda dengan yang mati. *seram sejuk*

dua hari lepas, yakni hari isnin, aku kelam kabut menyiapkan apa yang patut disiapkan pada sabtu dan ahad lepas. memang kerja aku semua last minute. padanlaa markah pun.... mengucap panjang je yang mampu aku buat.

berbalik kepada kisah aku...
dua hari lepas, yakni hari isnin (dejavu. ye, ini ialah situasi yang tepat untuk menggunakan perkataan dejavu, oleh itu berhenti! berhenti menggunakan perkataan dejavu untuk situasi yang lebih sesuai dinamakan sebagai karma dan normal), oleh sebab kepala otak diselubungi kerisauan tidak siap kertas kerja, aku hanya ada selera untuk makan sandwich telur bungkus. sandwich aku berbentuk tiga segi. pernah tengok tak? mestilah pernah kan? roti inti telur yang dipotong senget supaya jadi separuh. 

untuk mereka yang tiada imaginasi, lebih kurang macam gambar atas ni. cuma bungkusan aku bungkusan kotak plastik. kononnya, atas sikit tarafnya.

ok, sambung cerita...

ketika itu, aku hanya berahi untuk makan separuh sahaja sandwich itu. separuh lagi aku simpan dalam plastik dia semula. selepas itu, aku ke kelas. setelah habis kelas, aku pun menuju ke perpustakaan kolejku dengan sandwich telur ditangan. ok, untuk cerita ni, mesti ada dalam minda anda bahawa roti aku hanya ada separuh. faham ya? tak susah kan? separuh. separuh lagi dalam perut aku.

bila aku masuk perpustakaan, aku terlupa yang sandwich aku masih di tangan. bila aku patah balik nak keluar daripada perpustakaan, makcik perpustakaan yang berbangsa india (kita namakan dia baby, boleh?) tegur aku, "adik, tak leh makan dalam perpustakaan."

ok sengih macam kerang busuk, "ok."

sepatutnya aku keluar lepastu telan terus sandwich separuh tu kan? tapi aku tak tahu kenapa aku tak terfikir nak makan pun sandwich itu. oleh itu, aku letak dia dekat rak luar perpustakaan lalu aku masuk semula.

setelah 3 jam di perpustakaan (rajin tak? rajin tak? terima kasih), aku pun keluar untuk ambil sandwich aku. bila aku tengok rak luar perpustakaan, aku terkejut. mana taknya, sandwich aku yang mula-mula tinggal satu dah jadi dua. 

"what the...." aku bermonolog luaran.

"oi izzy, jom ah, kau tengok apa tu?" amal tegur aku.

oopss, lupa nak cakap, amal, kawan aku nampak aku dah makan separuh sandwich aku. 

"eh mal, sandwich aku ke ni?" aku tanya. mataku masih pada dua keping sandwich tersebut.

"err, kau letak situ ke?" dia tanya.

"ha ah. exactly kat sini. tapi sandwich aku tinggal satu tadi. sekarang dah dua. orang lain punya kot," aku jawab sambil mencari kelibat sandwich 'forever alone' aku. tapi tiada.

"ke sandwich aku beranak?" kami gelak. tak kelakar pun padahal. 

"binary fission kot haha" amal sambung.

"hmm, biar laaa." kami pun menuju ke kelas seterusnya.

keesokkan harinya, aku lepak perpustakaan lagi (rajin kan? rajin kan? terima kasih 2.0). aku ke kounter perpustakaan untuk meng'stapler' kertas kerja aku. baby di kounter sedang.... tak ingat laa apa baby buat, sebab aku terlalu fokus nak meng'stapler'. 

"eh awak punya sandwich ke kat luar semalam?" baby tanya.

aku kaget. "err.. ha ah kot." itu je yang aku balas sebab aku malas nak cerita tentang sandwich aku beranak semua fantasi haram tu. nanti dia ingat aku gila.

"tak, memang sandwich awak. sebab semalam, saya keluar nak pergi tandas, saya nampak sandwich awak yang tinggal separuh tu...." baby membuka cerita.

dalam otak aku cuma ada satu soalan je, kenapa dia usha sandwich aku?

"bila saya keluar tandas, saya nampak sandwich awak dah jadi dua..."

serius, kenapa kau usha? nak laa tuu...

"saya pelik, lepas tu saya datang dekat sandwich tu. saya ternampak ada satu nota kecil. saya tak ingat ayat tepat dia, tapi dia tulis lebih kurang, 'sorry, i accidentally push your sandwich and it fell. so here's a new one. very sorry'. baik kan? saya terkejut sangat. sebab saya masuk tandas tu sekejap je. cepat dia ganti sandwich awak." baby ketawa kecil.

aku terkejut. wow. betul ke ni?

"yeke?" aku tanya, masih kurang percaya.

"ha ah."

aku sengih macam kerang busuk 2.0.

baik. sangat baik. 

mungkin orang yang ganti tu seorang perempuan dan dia ingat sandwich tu kepunyaan seorang lelaki kacak.

tapi apa-apa pun, dia ganti sandwich aku.

dia..

ganti...

aku kagum dengan keprihatinan dia.

humanity restored level: 20% :)

tetapi kecewa sikit. aku ingat roti tu betul-betul beranak.

nota kaki: aku cari nota itu, tak jumpa. sandwich tu pun dah takda. kecewa bertambah....

nota kaki berkaki: ke baby amik?

nota kaki berkaki berlari-lari: husnuzon (baik sangka) izzy, husnuzon....

right in the corner,

she saw him,
bloody,
restless,
bewildered by her presence.

she started to approach him,
he hugged himself,
as if building a shield,
"dont come close" he rasped edgily,
she stopped,
"let me help you" she cajoled,
"LEAVE!" he shouted,
he swung his right hand violently,
almost hitting her.

she didnt move,
she stood her ground and pleaded,
and pleaded,
and pleaded.

it was an accident,
he didnt realize,
it was an involuntarily action,
he swung his left arm,
he didnt remember,
the knife he was tightly holding,
it was an accident,
accident,
he swore,
it was an accident,
accident,
accident.....

crimson liquid slowly seeps out her white blouse,
she looked down,
tears rolling down her cheeks,
she fell,
hard on the dirty pavement,
eyes wide opened.

he wailed,
kneeling down beside her,
the only woman he loved,
the only woman who loved him,
was no more.

dead.

lifeless.

bloodied.

undone.

because of him.

"im sorry, i cant be saved. im a lost case."

he kissed her forehead,
closed her eyes.

he took one last breath,
then
one..
two..
stop.
three..
times he stabbed himself on the chest.

the same knife.

he fell,
laying next to her.
their blood mixed.

the pavement was drowned with pools of thick liquid,
of two humans,
wasted.

"i love you," he whispered.

then,
gone...

dont be that person,

who keeps lying to herself,

that it was okay.

dont be that person,

who keeps one eye close,

blinding herself from the truth.

dont be that person,

who loses everything she's been working hard to get.

dont be that person,

who makes others worry for her,

who keeps her friends and her family trembling,

fearing for her safety.

dont be that person,

who ruins the name of the religion.

dont be that person,

who Allah will resent and Syaitan will adore.

dont be that person,

who puts lust and desire first,

before her sane and logical mind.

dont be that person,

who doesnt believe in Allah's better plans in the future for her.

dont be that person,

who loves the dunya more than the divine's eternal love and the sweet success of the hereafter.

dont be that person,

who hides behind that hijab and hours of Quran recitations,

yet the heart is dark, twisted and sinful.

dont be a hypocrite. 

dont be that person.

please.

just,

dont.

your absence...

made me realized,
nothing lasts forever,
nothing is always what it seems,
though i know these,
i didnt think they apply to reality that much,
because looking back,
you looked contented,
not happy, no,
just contented.

the way you took everything in,
i didnt see you cry,
you were moody, yes,
but you werent crying.

but now,
you're not here,
my verdict proved me otherwise.

i heard,
you were haunted by the past,
you were so afraid you'll slip off again,
"possibilities are there,
but dont forget the impossibles as well" she said,
but your efforts i tell you,
are well wasted my friend.

i thought i could read you like an open book,
but clearly i was wrong,
i thought you passed that phase,
but clearly you didnt.

you triggered a certain thought in everybody's mind,
you make us doubt,
you make us question until today.

i dont know what to feel,
am i angry?
yes.
am i sad?
yes.

i guess i shouldnt blame you,
because frankly,
i thought of the same move.

but i was too scared to execute it,
you beat me to it.

i guess that's what i really feel right now,
defeated

and
maybe,
a pinch,
of

regret.