Disappearing..

I am.
Slowly....
It isn't hard.

You wanna try?
All you have to do is stay very quiet.
Yeah, stay there very very very quietly.
Because if you don't move or you don't say anything, people won't notice you.
Yeah, they won't.
They'll leave you alone.
Really. I swear.
So just stay very still.
They won't bother you.
They won't, I promise.

Now you know don't you?
Now you know what it's like.
You know what it's like to be alone.
Don't you?

Like me.
I'm alone.
I cry alone.
I smile alone.
I laugh alone.
No. Not because I stayed very still or kept quiet.
I am alone because...
well just because.

Eventhough my heart aches, my eyes swell with tears, no one will be there to comfort me.
No one.
Because I'm new.
Because I don't belong there.
Because I'm not them.
I can NEVER be one of them.

Yeah. No one's there to comfort me.
No one.

So you should be thankful.
That you're here. With my awesome friends.
Because they are always there to comfort you.
To tell you they're there.
To crack silly jokes.
To slice those awkward moments with sarcasms.
Yeah. Be thankful.

Because I'd do anything to take your place.
To feel like I'm there and part of something.
To feel like I'm alive and breathing my own air.
God, how I wish I was you.

Sometimes I just want to feel like home eventhough I'm on alienated land.
Sometimes I want to be a part of something.

I don't want to disappear.
I just don't want to feel like I'm disappearing and finally...

I'm GONE.

I have been...

missing a lot lately.
dreaming of home.
breathing alienated air.
shedding worthless tears.
living outside of my sanctuary.
staying under an unprotected asylum.
wondering around without notions.
trying so hard.
aching inside and out.
looking outside the window.
laughing at everything.
forcing a smile.
asking for directions.
canvassing every single thing.
telling insignificant jokes.
slicing awkward atmospheres with nothing but words.
talking crap.
swallowing inedible food.
watching him.
searching for answers.
laying around thinking.
witnessing catastrophes.
lying to myself.
soliloquizing.
slowly losing my sanity.
choosing everything wrongly.
repeating the same mistakes.

and
I am absolutely....


lost since day one.