You'll just have to do.

You are...

not the best.
not the one I've been looking for in my life.
not the one I see myself saying 'I do' to when I was a kid.
not the one I want to wake up next to in the peak of aurora.
not the one I want to kiss goodnight.
not the one I've been wishing for.
not the one I hold hands while watching the sunset.

but you'll just have to do.

I didn't think I'll end up with you.

You're not beautiful, let alone alluring.
Charming is far off.
Crazy at one point.
Emotionally disturb.

But you are hungry for me.

I am sick of you.
Seeing your face.
Seeing you smile.
Seeing your eyes shine when I kiss you.
Feeling your soft lips against mine.
Feeling the heat of your skin radiates through mine.
Feeling the adoration you give me and the endless 'I love you'.

I am sick of you.

I hate it...
when I can fairly predict your next moves.
when adventure is nowhere near your dictionary.
when you hold my hand, it seems that you've locked it tightly in yours.
when I have to hold you in my arms even if I don't want to.

You're nothing to me. Even though we've been together for more than a year.
The reason I'm with you is because I can't stand seeing the person I truly want holding hands with that bastard.

I lost the first prize = her
But I have to settle for the second prize = you

I fake a smile.
I fake a laugh.
I fake an 'I love you' message.
I fake a sincere heart.
I fake my love towards you.

YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME.

But your love towards me is amaranth.
Pure, sincere, faithful and virgin.
Genuine, passionate and undying.

Yet, I return you with fake admiration.

I am blessed that you shower me with your love.
And I will, I vow to love you.
To accept your flaws. Embrace your thoughts.
And truly love you as you are. I will. I promise.
I will try.

In the end, you will be the ONE for me.

Figment of thoughts from a male who sees nothing towards his faithful lover.

My Guardian Angel.

He was a mysterious perfect so-called human being.
He kidnapped me and brought me to this weird fantasy.
I wanted answers, so I gave him questions.
So I asked him, "where are we?"
His eyes locked on the endless diamond sky. The moon was full that particular night. We were laying down on our backs gazing up the sky letting the world passed by.
"Everywhere and nowhere," he answered coolly.
I was confused. The place wasn't familiar at all.
His car was parked just a few feet behind us. We were on the moist green grass. It was too dark outside to recognize anything else.
"Who are you?" I asked.
He smiled without looking at me, "you can call me Gray."
I turned my head to look at him. He had closed his eyes. The moonlight was enough for me to figure out his features. He had tanned skin and ripped biceps. His face was marble-smooth. His jaw was tight and his eyes I saw earlier was dark green. He was tall and made to be a model but I didn't recognize him in school.
I looked away, "you're not from my school are you?"
He chuckled, "do you think I'm still schooling?"
"Didn't think so," I rasped.
He had kidnapped me that night when I was walking alone back to my house from the worst dance ever. I got dumped by my first boyfriend whom I dated for less than a week. I didn't know why, but when Gray's car stopped next to me when I was walking, I was glad. He opened the door for me, "hop in," he invited. Without a second thought I did. When I was in his car I could feel nothing. I wasn't scared nor was I afraid. I could feel that he was someone close to me. Like I've known him for years. But in fact he was an absolute stranger to me. He didn't touch me once in the car. He didn't even look at me. He just drove and I sat still, letting him do what he wants.
When he finally stopped the car, I then realized what I had done.
So there I was laying beside him shooting him questions like a crazy machine gun.
"Who are you?" I asked for second time.
He looked at me with his intense green eyes. Drowning me in them. I almost chocked to death.
"Your guardian angel."
That's when I realized, I was safe. I smiled and edged closer to him. He draped his left arm out and I rested my head on his tough arm. I could smell is mouth-watering cologne. It smelled like daisies.
"Don't go," I said.
"I won't," he vowed. He plucked the nearest flower he could find and tucked it behind my ear.
I couldn't remember how long we stayed that way.
But I remembered burying my face in his chest crying like hell.
I remembered him whispering into my ears sweet little nothings.
Telling me he knew what's going on and that I was safe with him.
I remembered telling him the story of my life.
I remembered him stroking my hair gently.
I remembered closing my eyes after my tears had completely drained.

Then nothing. It was darker than night.

I woke up in my bed this morning. I thought I was dreaming because last night seemed so surreal. I scrambled out of bed and looked myself in the mirror. That was when I broke into a smile. I could still see the beautiful white daisy tucked neatly behind my ear. I took it out and twirled it between my fingers. I walked to my half opened window and looked up the sky, when will I see you again Gray? My guardian angel.

Do you...

Wish upon the stars?
Finding who you really are?
Ask directions?
Sick of questions?
Full of fears?
Searching for answers?
Burn with desires?
Believe in the future?
Own someone's trust?
Have pure lust?
Believe in fate?
Always hesitate?
Know your virtue?
Ever have a clue?
Hate your vanity?
Think that you're a liability?
Never alert?
Go berserk?
Take a chance?
Do a second glance?
Disapprove?
Feel aloof?
Want your youth?
Despise the truth?
Dream the impossible?
Make yourself durable?


Tell me who you are.
I'm learning you.

Dreams In Reality.

A dream defines humans' sweet illusions,
Something that feeds our hungry imaginations,
A dream helps us to be artistic,
Expressing emotions through art and music.

A dream may contain hopes and fears,
Though it doesn't tell us about the future,
A dream gives us desires,
Riddles and questions without answers.

Dreams developed when we were in our youth,
We didn't see the actual truth,
We wanted to be eveything,
From a doctor to a king.

But as we grow older we learn to see,
We're living in reality,
Our dreams may be forgotten,
The world is scary and rotten.

Chasing our dreams may be durable,
But it is never impossible,
We may fly we may fall,
In the end, we'll finally stand up tall.

We'll meet with failure and stop to cry,
But we can do it if we really try,
For the world will look so much brighter,
If we just grip our dreams tighter.

What the teachers say and (what they really mean)

Brace yourselves.

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).

Bring me back to life...

I've been dead for God knows how long. I've been wondering on Earth not knowing where I go. People say get high marks for your examinations and I will blindly nod my head. People say do this and I will. People say don't do that and I won't. I've been a doll since the day I was born. People make decisions for me, I have no rights (apparently) to do my own choices because of my age.
Then one day, I decided to put my feet down;
That's when hell breaks through.
I ignore what they say.
I do what ever I want.
I start to lie.
I leave my important duties towards God.
And I feel lost.
More lost than I ever felt before.
Though the new path is tempting and more rebellious.
I want to go back to the right path. Everybody is showing me the way, but emotions control me. Pulling me back. Whispering to my ears, "don't go, this is way more fun. Don't go."
I won't deny that I am tempted.
But I have to stop this madness.
I need to bring myself to a better way. Even though it'll be tough, but the sooner I start, the sooner I'll be a better person.
God help me. I'm your humble servant who doesn't deserve YOUR love nor YOUR sympathy. But I beg you, please, I don't want this as my path. This path that fills with sinful things. I can't imagine myself rotting in YOUR hell. I don't want too.
Help me.
Bring me back to life.
Bring me back to YOU.
Help me change.
Help me be someone that YOU are proud to call as YOUR servant.
Help me be human again.
Help me. Dear Lord.

Who gave you the rights to...

take my heart and tear it apart?
make me cry day and night?
lecture me about my life?
tell me I'm wrong?
say you love me?
dump me in the end?
control my emotions?
sweet-talk me into things?
pull me down?
shove me away?
knock me unconscious?
kiss me without reasons?
embrace me like you don't mean it?
steal my gaze?
screw me up?
shatter me into thousand of pieces?
slap me hard on the face?
bite me on my neck?
tell me I'm ugly?
step on my head?
make me fragile all over again?
pull me back to the ground?
toy with me whenever you want?

Oh yeah, I did.

Perhaps...

if you close your eyes you could see better.
if you close your ears you could hear better.
if you close your mouth you could talk better.
if you loose your receptors you can feel better.
if you close your nose you can smell better.

Or maybe...

if you open up your heart you could love better.
if you shut your mouth you could listen better.

Or maybe perhaps...

I'm just kidding myself.

You want..

to fly away because life is being too difficult.
to cry because you have had enough holding back those tears.
to shout because you're sick being unheard.
to break people's hearts because they had broken yours so many times.
to find a remedy to this long crazy infection.
to mend the open wounds inside your heart.
to fill in the gaps of your long lost memories.
to forget the bad influences you had.
to end your previous life and start fresh.
to search for a new beginning.
to enjoy being human as long as possible.
to control that unstable emotions of yours.
to believe in fate.
to have a faith.
to make your dreams come true.
to meet good people.
to learn about love and life.
to think wisely for a change.
to make this world a better place.
to stand on your own two feet.
to be cared and loved by someone.
to feel what it is like to be in love.
to accept the fact that life isn't as easy as it seems.
to embrace your flaws instead of fighting it.
to deal with problems in the future.
to say something intelligent.
to create a legendary creation.
to be famous.
to tell the truth.
to stop lying.
to spark a new miracle.
to extinguish false pretenses.

I can see it in your eyes. You are longing for something impossible.
Basically, I know you better than you know yourself.

He is my best friend.

It wasn't long for me to understand his pain. It was clear and pure. He would grip my hand and clasp his other palm on his chest. I would stand still and sometimes hold him on his position as I watched him gasping. The pain would only last about 5 minutes the most. Then he would slowly loosen his grip and inhale naturally. He would smile and I returned back with a weak reply. I am his stand when he is out of breath.

He's been a friend as long as I could remember. Someone dearly to me. Someone so special. Not in a girlfriend or boyfriend way. It's more to a son or a brother way. I love him so much. He means everything to me. He's the one who will sit patiently beside me and listen to my ridiculous ramblings. He's the one who will gladly (or reluctantly) volunteer to taste my poisonous cooking. He's the one who will lend me his shoulder for me to cry when I just broke up with a guy. He’s the one who will buy me presents on Christmas, Birthday, Thanks Giving, Easter, Halloween; you name it. He’s the one who will let me copy him in tests even though he knows he’ll get 200 days of detentions. He’s the one who will help me with my homework and sleepover night just to keep me company. He is everything that even a superman can’t beat.

He always says that I am everything to him too. His best friend. His soul mate. And yet he’s the one who does everything for me.

Though we love each other, the romantic feeling never sparks between us. Not even one second. Because we knew better. Even when we were kids that we might be best friends but we couldn’t make each other happy to be lovers. And we knew back then and we know now that we will live as best friends and die as best friends.

His family, my family and I are the only people who know about his deadly sickness. His heart is weak since he was a baby. He has difficulties in breathing and doing extreme things. He can’t be too excited or be too devastated because his heart might not be able to withstand such emotions. Though it was heart for all of us to keep his emotions steady, it was never impossible to do so. He makes it simple for us and for himself as well. He’s such a saint. He’s never a devil even for a minute. I miss him dearly.

Though we have finished high school and go to different colleges, we still keep in touch with each other. I call him every night and we meet once or maybe twice a week. We talk, we laugh, we have lunch together. It’s hard not having him close to me. Because I always look for a shoulder to cry on, and I don’t want anyone else’s but his. I always look for someone to taste my cooking and I want him to be the first. I always look for someone to hear me ramble about everyday’s nonsense and he has the ears for it. I miss being close to him. I miss being able to always hold his hand and hear him whisper, “I’ll catch you when you fall, I be there when you need me, I’ll stand by you and the sky is the limit .” He’s a true friend. I can picture his eyes twinkling and smiling, his laugh and his gestures.

He is my shoulder to cry on, my food taster and my ears while I am his stand for him to hold on when he’s out of breath.

A FATHER..

A father defines a man of wisdom,
Soft and tender,
Yet strict and severe.

A father is not born,
But a man that develops,
A man that has no knowledge of guidance,
But a man that learns and discovers new ways to teach his children,
The future generation.

A father is God's finest creation,
Given to children for reference,
Being the role model for the future,
Being the survivor of the past.

A father is filled with love,
Laughable jokes and stories,
Perception that remedies,
Knowledge that educates.

A father is every man should be,
Looked up too and loved by all,
Respected and living tall,
Most adored and with great value.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

p.s. something I wrote for Mr. Rozali. HEH

This Is Me..

I move with my own beat. That will knock you of yer feet.
I say something irrational. It will somehow be sensational.
I shout out 'Stupid'. Wishing for a cupid.
I drive people crazy. Until they go dizzy.
I dance under the moonlight. Until the sun shines so bright.
I laugh so much. Yearning for a soft touch.
I cry easily. Sometimes I go crazy.
I break things. Without thinking.
I slap you on the cheek. Because you make me sick.
I blame people for my mistakes. To save my sorry ass, fer God's sake!
I lick my nose. And sometimes my toes.
I bite a pillow. While looking out a window.
I turn the music out loud. To make the artists proud.
I believe in weird creatures. Basically because I'm immature.

There are more hidden side of me. That you couldn't see.
These are to name a few. I hope I've given you a clue.
About who I am now and in the future. Only my friends can understand that's fer sure.


xoxo,
Izzy Rozali.

In my fantasy,
I can see,
You and me,
Up in the tree,
Sitting closely,
Talking freely,
Smiling happily,
Laughing hysterically,
Fingers intertwine,
Like the vines.
I know it's lame,
But it's not a game,
I can picture it clearly,
You and me,
Being together,
Holding each other,
and maybe one day,
You will say,
"I love you,"
I'll reply,
With a smile,
"I love you too."
Though it's a long shot,
But the thoughts,
Will definitely stay,
Until the day,
I'm with you,
And my childish dream comes true.

Humans...

They are destructible.
They are selfish.
They are ignorant.
They are thick-headed.
They are pathetic.
They are common.
They are stubborn.
They are annoying.
They are brainless at times.
They are heartless.
They are emotional.
They are superstitious.
They are imaginative.
They are destroyers.
They are crazy.
They are lunatics.
They are goofy.
They are unpredictable.
They are cruel.
They are hypocrites.
They are imprudent.
They are ugly.
They are dirty.
They are filthy.
They are greedy.
They are unfaithful.
They are faithless.
They are liars.
They are terrorists.
They are innocent.
They are naive.
They are premature.
They are believers.

They are God's finest creations.
Judge them from the inside not out.

Dear Friend,

I miss you. What more can I say but those three little words? To be frank, I don't want to write you this letter. Because I know, it'll hurt you more than it'll hurt me. No, honestly, it hurts me more. I don't know why, but I just need to write. I haven't wrote anything to you for awhile now. It's not because I don't want to (well partially) it's because I don't have the heart to. It's been years since it happened, but I can't seem to let it go. It still huddles inside me. Inside my now-fragile-heart, my brain, my memories and my eyes. Sometimes at night I reminisced our bitter-sweet friendship.

It hurt. And it still does.
Do you remember the tree we always go after choir everyday? Yeah the big old oak tree that you loved so much. We used to lay down side by side, holding hands and just let the breeze passed by. I miss that, I like that. Our mothers used to search for us when we suddenly fell asleep under that tree.

Well, I'm writing under it right now. I'm sorry. But I broke our promise. You said not to cry. Not ever. But I can't. I can't control myself. This supposed to make me feel better, but writing you this makes me cry even harder than the days that I've cried before. The trees are waving with the wind rhythmically saying that you are alright, you are safe and that you miss me.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

My mum won't let me come here anymore. But I sneaked out of the house and drove all the way. Yeah, I can drive. It's weird isn't it? I'll be taking my SAT this year. You and me supposed to take it this year. Remember how we used to talk about getting our first car, first kiss, first love, first everything? You used to say that if I ever get a boyfriend, that I should ask your permission. Do you remember that? We used to laugh at each other for thinking so far. But it's been 7 years. We were ten. We didn't know any better. And now, I am 17 and you are still 14. It hurts that I didn't get to tell you about my first kiss, first boyfriend and car in real life. Where I can see you smile and laugh. Where I can see you mocking me about how my braces will get stuck to someone's mouth if I kiss him. You used to say that. I wanted to ask your permission for my new boyfriend. His name is Jake. He's nice. I know you'll like him. We've been together for 3 years now. My parents love him.

I can still remember how we used to sit inside the hospital room when you were sick. We were 13. I didn't know back then that it was that serious. Because you looked so healthy, so happy. I thought you would someday get out of the hospital and come back to school. I remember the time where we looked outside the window, watching all the leaves fell to the ground until the last one. It was magnificent. Beautiful. Your eyes glinted and your smile was so broad. You were happy. But behind those happiness, you were suffering. Little did I know that, that was the last autumn we could spend together. If I knew earlier, I would have taken your picture.

Though they shaved off your hair, you still looked beautiful to me. My mother said that you got sicker and your hair would just be a burden. So they shaved 'em off. My mother refused to tell me what was your sickness. She said I shouldn't know. I still have the photo albums we made when you were in the hospital. I keep them safely in my drawer.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Why GOD took you away so suddenly? I kept on questioning it. I didn't get a chance to say a proper goodbye. I didn't get a chance to kiss you goodnight forever. It's like I'm mad at you. It's crazy.

But you are gone. And that's all there is to it. The support team for cancer's victim's family and friends doesn't help. I don't understand why you have to go in such a tender age? 90% of the victims survived. I miss you.

I can't find our diary. The diary that we both wrote about our lives. I still have the keys to it. But your mother moved houses, and the diary got lost in the process of moving. It's a pity, I would love to read our entries that we did.

I've been keeping the keys for years. I have two of 'em. Yours and mine. I've made mine into a locket. While yours I've kept it in a small box. I didn't know what to do with it, but now I do. I dug a small whole under the tree and buried it safely underground where I can always come and remember you here.

While this letter I will bury it with the key later, but for now, I'll keep it close to my heart.
I love you. Missing you always.

Love forever,
Your dearest friend.

I HATE YOU.

I know I shouldn't, but I do.
You never understand me.
I'm not like you.
I'm not a kid that you were.
I know my duties, and I'll do it.
I don't need you telling me what's wrong and what's right.
I don't need you to be with me.
I don't need you to talk me in to things.
I don't need you to give me your love which you never even give me.
I don't need you to tuck me at night.
I BASICALLY DON'T NEED YOU.
I HATE YOU.
God forgive me for I have sins; but sometimes I wish you are dead.
I wish that you are no one to me.
I wish that you would just vanish.
I'm sorry.
YA ALLAH, please rinse this awful feeling and sin.
I know I shouldn't think let alone wish it.
But I do feel it. And I don't wish to hide it anymore.
I HATE YOU, from the bottom of my heart. I really do.

She has cracked..

She takes a deep breath and slumps on the floor.
Her head tilts back resting against the door. She can still hear the sound and racking outside.
Crashing, shouting, cursing. Everything mashes together.
Her legs can barely move, her eyes are collecting clear water.
Don't you dare cry, she tells herself. Holding back a sob.
She clasps a hand over her chest as if it'll help to ease of the pain in her heart.
"DON'T YOU GODDAMAN DARE CRY!" She shouts out loud.
It's too late. Her fragile heart can't take it. She has cracked.
I've been so strong for the past years, why I'm falling apart now? She moans.
Her tears pour down like a fountain. She tries to inhale more air. Her body agonies for more oxygen. Her chest moves up and down uncontrollably.
She sniffs and closes her face with her hands, "God, give me strength."
She closes her eyes and prays.
"God, end this agony. End this nightmare. I am your humble slave, please I beg for you mercy." As she mumbles her silent prayer, she feels her head spinning lightly. Her tongue and throat feel dry. She licks her chapped lips and swallows. She crawls on to the bed and rests her head on the warm pillow. She curls her body tight to herself and continues her prayer.
"God, end this agony. End this nightmare."
As she slowly rest her body and mind, she can hear no more of the horrible sound outside her door. She tries to sit up but her body won't let her. She rolls on her back and stares up the ceiling.
"God, end this agony. End this nightmare."
Before she knows it, she has fallen to a deep unconsciousness.

'09's My Birthday Presents <3

From : Abah.

From : Muaz

From : Mera

From : Amin

From : Isyqie

From : Jiwa

From : Jie.

From : Mali.

From : Qila.

Thanks for the gifts guys, I'll treasure 'em. Love ya lots <33

xoxo
Izzy Rozali.

He went without me..

"How long?" I ask looking up the sky.
How long what sweet-heart? He whispers to my ear.
I can feel his hot breath against my neck.
"How long are you planning to stay away from me?" I lay down on my back. Spreading my hair on the watery green grass.
The sky looks so beautiful tonight. Those stars look like diamonds. He giggles.
"You're avoiding my question."
He sighs and gently streaks my cheek, this is not the perfect time to ask.
"Then when?" I urge.
I can feel his fingers intertwine with mine, I'm gone, long gone.
"I'll come with you," I sob.
No! His velvet voice turns cold. Don't you dare. Stay here. Live your life. I want you to be able to live until the end.
"Life is meaningless without you," I cry out, "why did GOD has to take you so early? Why won't he take me too?"
He wipes my tears with his hand, ssshhh, don't cry. We've been through this together. You swear to me to keep on living. I gave you my word didn't I? I'll keep on watching you from the skies above. There are no angels that can replace you in heaven. You were created for me. And just me.
I squeeze his hand tight, "don't go. Please."
He slowly loosen his grip, my time is up. I'll see you tomorrow.
I feel a light kiss on my forehead.
"Don't go!" I plead.
I love you so much, he whispers and lets go of my hand.
I can't feel his presence anymore. My eyes are wet and my chest is aching.
"I LOVE YOU MORE."

Mid-year on rampage!

Can you believe it? Mid-year examination is on the loose! My exams start next week on Wednesday. According to Risi, we'll start with Malay Language I, Civic and Malay Language II. And it continues with other subjects. It's May and it's ending. It'll be June in less than 2 weeks. I feel like I'm floating in time. I can't control it. I can't keep track. Somehow, I'm afraid that I'll loose it. Whatever it is, I'm giving my 110% on this test. Unfortunately, lessons in Form 1 && Form 2 are included. I'm shaking to my bones. Wish me luck. I need to ace them, whatever it takes. I crave for 8As, if possible plus Civic and Art. Until then, good day.

The Eye..

Scary isn't it? It was inspired by a movie 'THE EYE', I'm not sure what's it about but this was re-created by a talented photo editor.

Life is like a MOVIE.

If you are sad - DRAMA
If you are afraid - SUSPENSE
If you are angry - ACTION
When you look at the mirror - HORROR
Now you are smiling - that's COMEDY

Trigger on loose.

Mum keeps on telling me that I have to grow up. Look in others' perspectives. Be more mature.

Mum : This world doesn't revolve around you.
Me :
Mum : Look at me when I'm talking to you.
Me : *moves head
Mum : *sighs* Why do you have to make everything so difficult?
Me :
Mum : I would love to see some reactions.
Me : *shrugs
Mum : I give up! *walks away, slams door*

Works everytime.
I know the world doesn't revolve around me.
It doesn't revolve around anyone.
I just hate being mature.
You have no rooms for mistakes.
You have to be flawless.

I have a weapon you see.
A nine-millimeter Beretta pistol.
I couldn't help myself, it's a beauty.
It's automatic.

If life's being such an ass, you just pull the trigger.
Or you could ask someone to knock you out cold with the barrel.
Or you just choke the bullets.
It's helluva useful and handy.

If you chicken out that moment, then just leave it.
Do it another day.

Put the muzzle in your mouth and lick it while you're at it.
I did.
It smelled bitter.
It tasted bitter.
Like death.
Yeah, fast maybe a bit painful - death.

I didn't get the guts to do it though.
Maybe some other time.
Whatcha gonna do?
It's still in my hands.
I have my fingers curl tightly around the trigger.
It'll only take a little bit of force then - BAM!


I'M GONE.

I wish..

I wish I could fly,
I wish I could touch the sky,
I wish I could see you night and day,
I wish I could be with you far far away.

I wish for more time with you,
I wish someone would give me a clue,
I wish you could see right through my heart,
I wish you wouldn't take it and tear it apart.

I wish sometimes I could die,
I wish when I do you wouldn't cry,
I wish one day you never have to see me like this,
I wish you could just leave me in peace.

I wish you could embrace me like you used to,
I wish we could lay together on the grass due,
I wish for at least a moment to hold your hands,
I wish we could bury our feet in the sand.

I wish..
I wish..
I wish..

END

Tempted..

By his sweet fragrance,
By his mesmerizing eyes,
By his sugar lips,
By his tender touch,
By his vivid voice,
By his sense of humour,
By his elegant body language,
By his flawless flaws.

I AM ...

FAT!
FAT!
FAT!
FAT!
FAT!

help me loose weight D:

Liars,

Should be burned,
Should be stabbed hundreds of time,
Should be shot in the heart,
Should be slapped hard,
Should be stepped on,
Should be buried alive,
Should be killed twice,
Should be knocked-out thrice,
Should be kicked in the balls,
Should be tore apart,
Should be dumped in a shit-hole,
Should be eaten up by wild boars,

and

SHOULD NEVER BE ALIVE.

p.s. And you call yerself my closest friend. How dare you.

Get over yourself!

People are so immature.
They think somehow the world only revolves around them.
Well IT DOESN'T!
GET OVER YOURSELF!
Lemme tell you viewers something.
Life is hard, yes. I know that.
But somehow, life is never meant to be easy.
Compare yourself with someone in Africa.
They suffer more than we do.
We hate life because life challenges us to our limits.
But that is what LIFE SUPPOSED TO DO.
It'll rip your heart a part and there's no way of mending it again.
It'll make you fall and make you cover in dust.
It'll take your spirits away until you are left soulless.
But think about it.
You are given the rights and opportunities to learn from your downfall and your mistakes.
If your heart is ripped into shreds than just pick 'em up and place 'em in your pocket.
If you trip and you fall and cover with dust, just pull yourself up and brush it away.
If you lose your spirits make a new one.
There are always ways to fight these crazy emotions.
You'll feel like you've had enough but the thing is YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT ENOUGH MEANS!
It's pathetic really.
I know I know, I feel like dying too, but I tell myself that you can only live once and you have to make the best of it.
If you die, then there's nothing for you anymore.
Life will challenge you with devastating test.

Friendship is the most cruel test.
Sometimes, it's better to just forgive and forget.
Talk to your peers, and settle it as fast as you can.
Don't fill your heart with such hatred and disgust.
It's wrong.
In Islam, friendship is important.
And if you fight with anyone, it's better to forgive or say you are sorry.
SETTLE THE DAMN THING FER PETE'S SAKE!
It's stupid to fight for something so insignificant.
I just don't understand why people are so shallow and narrow in so many perspectives.
I don't even know why I even meddled in such situations.
It doesn't make sense.
Friends are important and essential.
There maybe fights and disagreement between you and your friends, but that's life.
You need to be more open-minded. Listen more. Talk less.
It's all about good communications. Seriously.


OK, I guess, I have had enough talking about this.
I'm just so pissed off at people that don't appreciate friends when they have 'em.
Sorry, if I prick and of your hearts, I'm just telling the truth.

p.s. This is random and I'm sorry if I wasted your time.

Later.

GOTTA LOVE HIM!

Funny, cool, sexy, heroic voice you name it. He has it all. A man with sophisticated Midas touch. YUMMY :)

Death.

There is nothing to it.
What life is giving us is never enough.
The truth is we are greedy.
Or maybe we are just hungry.
Starving for attention.
Starving for powers.
Starving for money.
And most frequently asked for is love.
Starving for love.
Life gives us a thousand reasons to cry.
It is true.
But life gives us a million reasons to hope.
For something better.
But what brings us most to the ground all the time is death itself.
Some of my friends had experienced it first-hand.
No matter who they are, fathers, mothers, grandparents or even siblings.
I wonder what is feels like.
I wonder how my friends live with theirs lives half-full.
I wonder how they react when they knew what had happened to their beloved?
Did they cry?
Did they blame GOD?
Did they curse?
Did they go crazy for weeks?
Those are the questions that lingered in my head.
I dare not to ask for it is not of my business.
But 'curiosity kills the cat'.
And it literally did kill me.
I don't know in what way, but it did.
I haven't been spending enough time with my mother.
I wonder, will I miss her when she's gone?
Or will I just cry the day she went and get on with my life?
Will death change what I will become in the future?
Or will it just be another figment of my memoirs?
I don't know. I just don't know.
Sometimes, I wonder.
Did my friends get enough time talking, sharing and laughing with their beloved before they passed away?
Did they know where their beloved first fall in love?
Or something like that.
Did they?
I have a lot to ask, and yet I cannot let it out.
It is a very sensitive issue and I am very aware of that.
Which is why I don't intend to ask anyone anytime soon.
I should be able to figure it out sooner or later.

P.S. To them whom had lost their beloved, please accept my sincere condolences. May GOD treasures their spirits and may they be happy for you. Al-Fatihah.

Answering Machine Messages.

Here are supposedly actual answering machine announcements.

1. Hi ! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So, leave a message.

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

4. Hi. Now you say something.

5. Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Excuses that you might not want to make.

THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO TEACHERS IN THE ALBUQUERQUE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BY PARENTS OF STUDENTS:

1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.

4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.

7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.

8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take physical ed. Please execute him.

9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.

10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.

11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.

12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.

14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.

15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.

17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.

19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(crossed out), diahoah(crossed out), dyah(crossed out) the shits.

Jason Mraz's concert.

A man with electric touch.

For I dare to say that I am his biggest fan. 4th March 2009 was his first concert in Malaysia. He is on an Asia Tour for his new single We dance. We sing. We steal things. He said that his new album is actually more electrify and happening. He's doing this tour is to promote and show that his new single is why he lives to sing not sing to live. His next stop would be Singapore followed by Jakarta, Indonesia. I didn't get a chance to meet my idol in Stadium Negara last two days in Kuala Lumpur for certain reasons. Taufiq the Traitor (LOL sorry Taufiq, I'm holding this grudge until I die) went and told me the preview of it. It was hell of a great show. I read in the newspaper yesterday that 9,000 fans came flooding the stadium just to meet this awesome soulful singer. "It was overwhelmed,"was how Mr. Mraz described the concert. He didn't know much about Malaysia and he liked it very much. There is no further news about him coming back to re-concert-ing here. I was so bumped by the news, but I'll pray day and night to finally meet him first hand in the nearest future. Also being said that he sang Lucky with Penny Tai (Malaysian singer) originally sang with Colbie Cailat. Fans get to buy T-shirts and some other merchandise at the concert. They didn't get to get up-close to Jason Mraz though because as soon as the concert finished, he went straight to Singapore with a tour bus (news from the oh-so-resourceful-traitor Taufiq LOL). It was one wild night and I didn't get to see it. I was depressed and devastated, but I'm sure and I'll make sure that I'll meet him one day up-close and personal. With God's will I will. The next post I'll be writing about Jason Mraz's biography with the help of the net. Later.

I had this dream.

I had this dream.
It was a beautiful dream.
I went to a place where everything is perfect beyond imaginations.
It is the absolute contrary of the reality.
Nothing goes wrong in the place.
It is heaven on earth.
The place where the sun shines warmly.
The place where the rain pours rhythmically.
The place where birds are singing sweetly.
The place where the wind blows briefly.
The place where rivers flow tranquilly.
The place where the sky is always blue and serene.
The place where the tress are greener than ever.
The place where flowers bloom even in winter.
It is beautiful.

Every time I sleep, I would wait impatiently to arrive there.
I would run wild and crazy all over the grass and collapsed.
Twirling round and round feeling the breeze through my hair.
I would listen to the nature calling me to sleep.
I would watch the birds soared freely slicing the bright blue sky.
I would just sit under a shady tree and enjoy the breath taking view.
In other occasion, I would draw and read all day long.
I love it there.
I could live forever there.
Where nothing goes wrong.
Where nobody and no one goes to war.
Where animals run and the tress sing.
It was amazing.

But too bad.
It wasn’t real.
It was only a figment of my imaginations.
It was only fuel to fill my hungry hallucination.
It was only lies.
Nothing more than that.
Sometimes, when I thought about it back when I’m conscious.
When I’m not sleeping, I felt like a superb idiot.
“Where on this earth could I find such place like that?”
No where.
God doesn’t make earth a place for humans like me happy.
God makes this earth filled with problems and riddles.
Where we need to find answers.
God makes earth to throw reality in.
God makes us to prove to him that we deserve a better life than what he gives to us.
God wants us to work hard to get what we want.
What we want is happiness.
God promises us great happiness in the future,
God promises us undividable pleasures in heaven above.
But to get there, there’s a catch.
We need to prove him that we justify to be there.
We need to work hard.
We need to pray.
We need to do things.
We need to obey.
We need to do them all.

But it’s OK.
Because this is life.
I know now that nothing is beautiful here.
I know that tribulations that make us think and appreciate life better.
I know now that ‘the place’ I dreamt about is the best thing about reality.
It gives us hopes and desires.
It gives us the preview of what is coming up next for us if we work hard enough.

I know now what reality is offering us might not be the same as our desires.
But reality makes us more discipline and a better person.
Reality is the subject and we are the students.
We need to learn and understand reality.
In that way, we’ll definitely pass with flying colours.

I might not be sleeping now.
But I can imagine ‘the place’ in my dream, it’ll come true soon.
Here, in reality where I’m able to absorb and savor the real moments with conscious mind.

My Report Card.

This is my report card for early 2009.

Fat - A+
Eat - A+
Boyfriend - F
School - C
Parents - F-
Friends - B+
Boring - A+
Art - A-
Social health - C-
Communication - B
Sleep - Graduate

p.s. It's pathetic really.